Tinder is frightening, which is the lie I tell people as to why I don’t use it; the reality is that I barely match with anyone, and when I do, they’re either a sexbot, or someone saying “#FireJayTas.” The movement is real. Thanks, y’all.
However, there are certain times that I’m really, really, REALLY happy I’m not trapped in the vortex of bullshit and despair that is Tinder, and one of those happened after I came across something called “The Tinder Games.” What’s that, you ask? That’s when girls chat with horny, desperate guys on Tinder and ask them to send them pizzas. The guys, of course, agree to this because they’re horny and desperate, and the result is, well, simultaneously hilarious and terrifying.
Whoa. That’s a lot of pizza.
Pro-tip: Never order pizza for someone with atrocious grammar and spelling. That’s exhibit A, and right here’s exhibit B.
The word “literally” doesn’t have two T’s, but that being said, anyone who orders sushi for someone they’ve never met, but matched with on a dating app, doesn’t have balls, so moot point. Also, how dare someone use Lou Malnati’s in Chicago for evil?
Guys, this is just kinda sad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s so exploitative and manipulative for anyone to ask someone THEY’VE NEVER MET to send them something for free and then publicly mock them for it for it, but why would any man on Earth with a shred of dignity agree to this? Have some self respect and say, “I’ll deliver it myself and we can split it.” If they say no, they’re not worth a second of your time, so why are they worth $11.99, plus toppings, delivery fee and tip? That’s bullshit.
If you’re not gonna do it for yourselves, at least do it for the pizza. An evening with the right combination of sauce, cheese, and toppings is better than 95% of sexual experiences. That’s a fact, Jack..