Getting Old And The Hatred That Comes With It

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Getting Old And The Hatred That Comes With It

I’m getting old. I’m getting crabby. I like sports bars with a baseball game on, beer, buffalo wings, and cheeseburgers. Sometimes, everything else is a hassle. I’m in my late-thirties, and I can feel a generation gap firmly setting in. Here’s a sampling of the hateful hot flashes I had within a three-hour period today.

1. Fucking Facebook

I hate your family on Facebook. I hate your birthday on Facebook. I hate your shitty anniversary tribute post to your wife on Facebook. I don’t care that your dog died on Facebook. I don’t care that you lost your job on Facebook. I don’t care that you got a promotion on Facebook. I hate the viral video you posted on Facebook. I hate you on Facebook. Because you’re on Facebook. I’m on Facebook. So fuck me, too.

2. The Specific Fucking Coffee You “Need”

You don’t NEED Starbucks. Starbucks is shit. It tastes like burnt matches and hot water. You prefer “French Pressed?” Like you can tell the difference. McDonald’s coffee is fine. Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is fine. Folgers is fine. Whatever is in the break room is fine. Coffee is black burnt liquid with caffeine in it. Calm down. Just drink it and shut up, princess.

3. Your Dog

Get that thing the fuck off me. I don’t have to love your dog. YOU have to love your dog. It’s not MY dog. Fuck your stupid dog. Get it out from under my table. I’m eating fucking lunch at a restaurant. Why is your dog licking my leg while I’m at a restaurant? Great, now I touched your filthy dog to get it off my leg. Now I have to wash my hands so I can eat my lunch. Goddamnit. I hate your dog.

4. That New Band You Like

Great. Another bunch of dudes with beards in vests and fedoras playing folk music. No, I don’t want to hear the new album. No, I won’t turn down the hockey game so I can “check it out.” No, I don’t want to go cram into some club to see them live because they’re “amazing.” There are Waylon fucking Jennings albums I still haven’t heard, so if I really need to hear something “new,” Waylon will do just fine.

5. Caitlyn Jenner

I support transgender people. But I don’t support assholes. That chick is an asshole. That dude was an asshole. Bravery is when a regular person endures a sex change in a real life situation. Not when an attention whore from a freak show family makes money off of it. Caitlyn Jenner is an asshole from some shitty reality show. I don’t need more of her. I need fucking less.

6. Your Gluten Allergy

If eating bread or a granola bar makes you sick, you probably shouldn’t leave the house. Maybe check into a hospital.

7. That Show I HAVE To Watch

No I fucking don’t. I don’t HAVE to do anything. I’m still watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix. I like it just fine. Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t Lose. Leave me the fuck alone.

8. Vaping

You might as well smoke an Affliction t-shirt.

9. Food

Gourmet burger places. Fusion cooking. Reductions. Wasabi sushi burritos. Fuck off. Some English guy screaming about how everything is “fucking garbage” on TV. Shut up. Food’s been ruined. Give me a ribeye on a paper plate. Cook it rare. Put some salt on it. I’ll eat it with my hands. It’s steak. Steak doesn’t need “other stuff.”

10. Lists On The Internet

It’s just lazy writing for lazy readers. Fuck lists. If you’re going to write one, at least have the decency to not make it a list of “ten.” Fucking hack.

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Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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