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FRIDAY DIMEBAG: How Terrible Is February?

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Mmm. Can you smell it? It’s Friday, and you know what that means. It’s time for the DIMEBAG. Why don’t we just do it instead of talking about it?

If you’ve got a question you’d like answered in the DIMEBAG, email me: brian@grandex.co

As Valentine’s Day approaches, can we agree that there’s nothing worse than a woman who routinely complains about being single? Also, how terrible is February in general? I’ll hang up and listen.

Chef Goldblum

Great question, Chef. Those are some good takes. Thanks for listening. Boy, I’ll tell you what, there’s really no worse month than February. February is the taint of the calendar. It’s best to pretend it just doesn’t exist, because to stare it in the face would really just ruin everything else for you.

If I had to rank the months, I would go:

1. April
2. June
3. May
4. October
5. July
6. December
7. September
8. November
9. March
10. January
11. August
12. February

Much like the spattering of rogue poo that ingrains itself into the short and curlies of the taint, Valentine’s Day is firmly nestled smack in the middle of February, and the E. coli that grows on that poop are the weather and girls (or people, in general) who complain about being single on Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing worse. First off, they act like being single is someone else’s fault. Take ownership of your life and acknowledge that February 14 is just another day on the calendar. Being single is an active choice. I know it may seem outlandish, but you could be the ugliest, fattest, meanest hosebeast on the planet, and I guarantee you there’s someone out there who would enjoy both your company and having sex with you. Trust me.

To the couples who blow it out on V-day: grow the fuck up. Come on now. Valentine’s Day is a day for school boys and girls with crushes. It’s like Halloween. It’s a holiday for children that adults ruined. As the great Ryan Howard said: “Anybody can be Prince Charming for one day a year, with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.”

What would you give to be rich, single and in Phoenix right now?

Mike in Dallas

Phoenix is killing it right now. The Waste Management Open and the Super Bowl in the same weekend. I can only imagine the kind of talent that’s roaming around in the Valley of the Sun right now. I’d love to be rich and single in Phoenix 365 days a year, but let’s just take a step back. The amount of gold being dug in PHX right now is probably reaching a fever pitch.

It seems like the ultimate “the grass is greener” scenario. Yes, to be rich and single in Phoenix would be awesome right now, but the odds are you’d probably become eskimo brothers with 17 PGA Tour pros and end up being the baby daddy of a highly medicated LA blonde are greater than landing a Paulina Gretzky look-a-like. That’s just one man’s opinion.

I decided I was an idiot and offered up my house to host a party for “the big game.” What/who do I need at my Super Bowl party?

Ben

I love Super Bowl Sunday. The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. That’s a real original take, I know. I would say as far as WHAT you need at your party? Tons of finger food, tons of booze and make sure everyone comes with at least 10 bucks in ones for prop bets.

As for the WHO, just make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. It depends on how big your place is and what kind of furniture you’re working with. A big, plush sectional couch is a must. Calculate how many seats you have in your apartment and add two. That’s how many people you can host. Keep it to close friends. You’ll have a blast.

Let’s get your picks. Seahawks or Patriots? Best prop bets?

Seth

Seahawks +2. Market up day after the Super Bowl (-140). Punxsutawney Phil does not see his shadow and Seahawks win the Super Bowl (+275). Katy Perry will be wearing pants during the halftime show (+450).

What makes you think I would ever ask you for advice?

Garrett

Good question.

If you’ve got a question about anything, email it to me and I’ll answer it in next week’s DIMEBAG. brian@grandex.co

Image via Shutterstock

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public.

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