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FRIDAY DIMEBAG: Am I Too Old For Spring Break?

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This week’s DIMEBAG is a tall order. It’s damn near 1500 words. Let’s dive in.

Brian,

I recently put my two weeks in at my current job because I’m leaving for another company. The timing worked out that I have a week off in between my end date with my current job and start date with my new one.

I have a couple of friends in grad school (two years younger than me) going to Key West for spring break that off week. My question is at 25 am I too old to go to Key West for a college style spring break?

Thanks,
John

No need to thank me, John. I’ll answer your question gladly. You better take this opportunity to cash in on your last chance to go on spring break because 25 is the age limit for going on spring break. So to answer your question, no, you are not too old to go on spring break. Now, you have a few options on how to present yourself on spring break.

-Successful businessman who just so happens to be on vacation in Key West during spring break.
-Full blown college student on spring break. Just hope no one calls you out for being old.
-Creepy old dude.

I suggest going with #2. Your buddies are in grad school and you’re just gonna have to play along. Make it count, though. This is your last shot at spring break. Take advantage of it.

Hey Bri Guy,

I have a friend, a good friend, who has been dating a girl for few years. There’s nothing horribly wrong about this girl. She’s nice, good looking, she’s friendly, etc. But she is spoiled. She hasn’t worked a day in her life, everything has been given to her. My friend has continued this trend. He treats her extremely well but he doesn’t get anything in return. She’s a bit controlling, doesn’t trust him around other girls, and is generally needy. Unfortunately my friend is blind to this. He thinks she is the greatest girl and he can’t say no to her.

Here’s my question: is it my duty to tell him that this relationship is horrible? Just be brutally honest and tell him that she sucks? If this thing leads to *shivers/cringes* marriage, am I being a bad friend? DO I OBJECT DURING THEIR WEDDING!?! Even if I do try and explain this to him I’m not sure he’ll listen. But it sucks to sit back and watch him fall deeper in this hole (not the good kind) that is a girlfriend.

I’ll defer to Bull Durham this one:

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: The other day Crash called a woman’s pu… pussy… um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape?
Annie Savoy: Yes, I do.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

When a woman has a man in her clutches, it’s over for the guy 90 percent of the time. It’s man’s weakness and it’s just how we’re engineered. Yeah, this girl sucks but this guy is so deep in her grasp that he can’t see his life without her, no matter how fucking awful she is. He’s stuck and he may never get out again. Be warned that if you go to him and tell him that she sucks and he doesn’t like what you have to say, your friendship is probably over and you won’t even have a wedding at which to object.

Also, that whole “Forever hold your peace” rule at a wedding is bullshit. What happens if someone actually objects? Is there some sort of gentlemen’s duel in the church parking lot? Does the priest cancel the whole damn thing? What’s the deal? I’d really love to know what the shitshow protocol is after that happens.

If your buddy seems happy (TRULY happy), just leave it be, but if he starts acting like season two Jim Halpert at any point, it’s time to have a talk with him. Objecting at a wedding is a dick move and not only would it ruin your friendship with him, you’d be forever known as “that guy who actually had the balls to object at a fucking wedding ceremony.” Take that as you will.

Brian,

One of my favorite activities, even though I’ve been out of school for close to two years now, is popping an addy and playing xbox and running through Netflix probably once a week. I’m just wondering what your opinion of this is? Do you find it repulsing that as a grown-up I’m popping government regulated speed to stay up and entertain myself while I go through a can of Grizz Wintergreen? Or is this one of those actions that is, lets say, to each their own? I’m just trying to figure out if I’m a total drug addict, poor professional or just the typical post grad guy.

My opinion of this is that it’s what my life consisted of from ages 23-26. Being irreprehensibly lazy and unhealthy is something you can get away with in your mid-20s. Moderation is the key. One night a week is more than fine. You’re just a typical postgrad who likes treating his body like a dumpster from time to time. More than fair.

Hey Brian,

Big fan of the column, figured I’d give you a shout.

I work in consulting. As you may or may not know, the hours are long, and there’s always heavy volume of work coming in. Having said that, the pay is great, and I have started my career in a field that is very tough to break into. In the coming months, our company is taking on multiple clients, increasing our already stressed workload. Yesterday, our director, who just returned from an extended vacation, informed my department that he is putting a freeze on our vacation days for “the coming months”, however long that means. My initial reaction was minimal, but as I’ve had time to digest this “request”, I’ve grown frustrated. Perhaps it’s because I’m still a bit green in corporate America, but it seems like telling someone when they can take time off is something out of Nazi Germany. Am I crazy for thinking it’s wrong to tell someone how to use their personal days, or is this a wakeup call for me to get my head out of my ass and realize I’m a man (not quite 40) now?

I’ll hang up and listen.

First things first, consulting is a SAVAGE industry. Secondly, your director is an asshole, but that’s probably why he’s a director. Work is work, though. It’s not wrong to tell your employees how to take their vacation days, but in all honesty, the employees should know better. Taking a vacation during a busy time at work is a fast way to make yourself look lazy and detached. Them’s the breaks, kid. Your boss probably did you a favor. While you are entitled to your vacation time, you’re also expected to get your shit done. Leaving in the middle of busy season would be foolish.

As far as your boss goes, it sounds like he knew the storm was coming and took his vaca responsibly. Can’t really fault him. Hunker down for a few months and take a well-deserved break once you’re out of the shit.

Bri man,

What was the deal with all the fajita talk yesterday?

Upon talking about the Applebees fajita burn lawsuit story we ran yesterday, my coworker Dan Regester (AKA Danny Regs) insinuated that the guy got what he deserved for ordering fajitas, because ordering fajitas is attention-seeking behavior. Some others chirped in and agreed that fajitas do cause a commotion in the dining room and it’s definitely obnoxious.

I maintain that ordering fajitas is announcing your presence with authority. Ordering fajitas is the Sean Michaels Wrestlemania entrance of food orders.

It’s not attention seeking behavior. It’s showmanship. Ordering fajitas lets everyone in the restaurant know that you mean business. That you need that sizzling cast iron skillet full of perfectly cooked meat and veggies. “Yep, you see that crackling, sizzling, delicious smelling plate of meat fresh off the grill? Bring that bad boy over here. I’m about to feast.” It’s a production. I’m not going to sit here while people badmouth the best dish Mexican restaurants have to offer.

Fajitas forever.

If you have a question you’d like answered in next week’s DIMEBAG, send it to me: brian@grandex.co.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public.

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