It’s America’s birthday this weekend. Are you so fucking ready? I know I am. But guys, I need you to know that I’m a little worried about you. This is a big day, and you guys are so damn patriotic it makes me proud and scared all at the same time. If you’re anything like my brother, you have no idea what boundaries are or what the phrase “crossing the line” means. And on a holiday such as this, where the liquor is flowing and the decisions are questionable, I need you to do something for me. I need you to openly acknowledge your impressive alcoholism and lack of care for your own self by reading and signing the following document. It’s for your own good.
Informed Consent and Acknowledgement of Risk to Self
I, (print name) _________________________ hereby confirm that I understand and agree with each and all of the following statements regarding any and all 4th of July weekend activities.
1. I understand that participation in drinking games is strictly optional. I have decided to participate in this drinking game after reviewing and agreeing with the rules and conditions stated either written or verbally by a fellow partier. On that note, this is also a statement verifying that cheating-to-win is a valid strategy, if no one notices. If someone notices, it is punishable by throwing you into the nearest large body of water, probably. Then you’re on your own. Make sure you have an extra beer in your pocket for your trek back to land.
2. I will follow the liquor-before-beer rule loosely and will be present promptly at the locations with the best food options. I will comply with all drinking and eating instructions I am given, including outrageous demands and ridiculous challenges. Exception: I will not attempt to beer bong any hard liquor because it will kill me. See: What I’d Like To Say In My Job Interview, Question 15. Remember Tony when you are weak.
3. I shall exercise common sense and avoid actions which may put people, property, and myself at any risk. Further, I agree to avoid horseplay and not jeopardize the safety of others at any time during the 4th of July weekend activities. This rule is null and void after you’ve finished your first drink. Jesus, take the wheel.
4. I confirm that I have accident and health insurance coverage and that I will maintain this coverage throughout the duration of the 4th of July weekend activities. I will also illegally share my health insurance coverage and will accompany any fellow partier to the hospital in case of emergency. Do it for the story.
5. I further acknowledge/confirm that I am absolutely responsible for any lost time or lost wages I may suffer as a result of my participation in the 4th of July weekend activities. This includes, but is not limited to: a blackout resulting in time travel, a lost or stolen wallet, or a bar tab that resulted in an overdraft notice and fee from Bank of America.
6. I understand that the 4th of July weekend activities have inherent dangers that could result in injury to myself or damage to my property. In all cases, I shall exercise caution and solely accept full responsibility for any injuries and/or loss that may occur to myself and/or any property for any reason as the result of such activities. This remains unless someone else did something that results in injury to yourself or damage to your property, in which case you settle it like a man and arm wrestle.
7. I will be the sole judge of evaluating risks and shall refrain from participating in any activities during the 4th of July weekend activities that, in my judgment, may pose any level of risk to myself, other people, or any property, unless it looks worth the risk. In such cases, I will inform the person in charge of the 4th of July weekend activities that there is a risk happening and that they should probably watch and maybe video it.
8. I understand that it took a lot of effort from the group text to make the 4th of July weekend activities possible, so any shenanigans that result in anything other than hilarity will not be tolerated. Leave your tears and your problems at home, this is a celebration.
9. I acknowledge that, despite knowing the potential for serious harm, I am still a willing and excited participant in the 4th of July weekend activities.
10. I understand that the 4th of July activities, or any part of it, may have to be cancelled or rescheduled on short notice due to unforeseen circumstances, including but not limited to bad weather. In such cases, the 4th of July activities will go on, because this is America, and rain or shine, we still party.
Participant Signature : _________________________________
Parent, Guardian, Significant Other, or Emergency Contact Signature:
Have fun and be safe, you silly little shits. Here’s to USA. .
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