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Five Uncomfortable Marital Situations As Explained By An Imperfect Husband

Five Uncomfortable Marital Situations As Explained By An Imperfect Husband

Before you ask, yes, I am a psychopath who got married at the age of 23. I am now a wise 26 years old and approaching three years of marital bliss. As such, I would consider myself an expert, slightly more knowledgeable in the realm of marrying young. From layoffs to moves to purchasing a home, my wife and I have gone through quite a bit in our short marriage. I’d like to share a bit of wisdom or a comical anecdote every once in a while from the perspective of someone who is still shelling out for the same student loans most of you are and someone who is all sorts of giddy over the fact that St. Patrick’s day falls on a Friday this year. I’m pretty similar to the rest of you, except my left ring finger is just a tad heavier these days.

I’d like to start by saying I’m not perfect. Obviously. No one is. There are certain things that I do or certain things that I say that cause the Mrs. to shake her head and contemplate whether or not I was the best choice for a life partner and sperm donor. Some are sheer stupidity and others are just me pushing her buttons. Yet, she chooses to overlook these shortcomings. Here a few such examples of things I have been surprised I get away with as a married man.

1. Forgetting Important Shit

It’s not like I mean to forget certain important dates in our history, but it’s just not something I’ve ever been good at tracking. I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head the exact date we had our first date on, or when we became “FB Official.” Because the only thing that matters in my eyes is our anniversary and her birthday. As long as I don’t forget those, I am golden. And I realistically couldn’t rifle off her top-three favorite movies right now. I could probably get one. But stuff like that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. As long as I remember that she only takes one lemon in her Large Unsweetened Iced Tea, I’m a good husband.

2. Playing Video Games

I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed wasting time street racing or shooting aliens in a virtual world. I mean, shit, I actually made my own halo montage back in the day. But I thought all those glory days would disappear when I got hitched. Especially seeing how I would sometimes abandon my wife (then girlfriend) back in college to play split screen with my buddies instead of partying with everyone else on a Friday or Saturday night. However, my wife is very tolerant of this small addiction, even when I would bolt out the door to catch Pokemon with my little brother this past summer when Go was first released. She is a keeper. I am a loser. I realize that.

3. Farting in Bed

No, no, no, it isn’t a full on dutch-oven every morning. It’s just a little greeting that comes as soon as I become conscious to my surroundings, every single morning. Sure, I could roll out of bed and into the bathroom but I’m just not quite ready to get out of bed usually and my stomach will be uncomfortable unless I squeak one out. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. That’s what we agreed upon. It’s not like she can up and leave over some morning gas, but it still surprises me she doesn’t slap me every time I do it.

4. Blacking Out On Her Birthday

This deserves some explaining, but for another time. It is a habit I’ve gotten into ever since we got married. I enjoy her birthday more than she does I think, but we both have a good time whenever we celebrate her birthday with all of our friends. The key is to start the celebrating a little before the first round of drinks, if you know what I mean.

5. Saying Shit Like This

Her Getting Ready – curling iron in hair, clearly distracted.

“Wanna have a quickie?”

Postcoitus.

“Good work out there.” *slaps ass*

Her – folding laundry and cooking dinner at the same time. Me – doing nothing.

“You’re not even watching that, so can I use the iPad? My phone is dead.”

Us going to breakfast.

“Can you drive? I’m hungover or still drunk because we all stayed up until 3:00 a.m. after you went to bed.”

And then this.

Oops.

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Cush

Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Throwing Putters. Engineering is my trade, annoying my wife is my profession. .

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