This article is much deeper than simply offering to buy Starbucks for your boss, or actually doing extra work. If you’re like me, you’re probably a decently hard worker. You get what needs to be done, on time, but rarely go “above and beyond” expectations. Expectations are too subjective to measure anyway. In order to get ahead at work without blowing your boss, follow a few of these simple, subtly sleazy instructions.
“Sent from my iPhone”
This isn’t about responding from your phone; this is about literally writing “Sent from my iPhone” in your email signature while on your computer, from your desk. See, I told you this article was sort of fucked up. If someone emails you, this can work to your advantage two ways – if you respond ridiculously quickly and put “Sent from my iPhone” in your signature, people will think they’re important, and you’re on top of your game. However, if you truly dislike someone and take a few extra hours to respond, put that bad boy in your signature and BAM. “Well it looks like James must be out of the office, so that’s why he took 9 hours to respond to my expense report question.”
The Conference Room Fly-By
So, the bossman has reserved for 3:30 to 5 and you want to hit the bricks a little early. Don’t just duck out at 3:30, you amateur. What a terrible, unethical thing to do. Instead, grab a few papers, and briskly walk by the conference room at around 4, and try to get a quick glance from your boss. While nothing big will come of it, they will notice that you aren’t a completely shitty employee. After the fly-by, feel free to head out at 4:02.
The Weekend Response
Everyone notices the corpo try-hard that will send multiple responses at two in the morning. However, nobody trusts or likes that person, because they’re a classic weirdo. Yet, take a pointer from him and send out a semi-relevant email to your boss around 10:30 or 11 on Saturday night. They’ll receive it Sunday morning and be impressed that you were working, if not even just thinking about work, late on a Saturday. Little do they know that you sent that email while trying not to spill your fifth whiskey-diet of the night all over your phone. Don’t do it more than twice, or else you’ll look like a sociopath.
Set Up Some Charity Event
Don’t worry. You don’t really have to do anything beneficial for the community. All you need to do is send out a “feeler” email to people in your department about possibly sponsoring a 5K for Children With Lobster Hands or some other terrible sounding charitable cause. Make it sound borderline unappealing so that nobody will actually attend. Everyone’s schedule will inevitably conflict, and simply just say that you’ll try to do something in the spring. Did you do anything? No. Did you kind of sort of attempt to do something? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Always Use Word
Nobody likes getting caught by their boss while browsing the internet for the next buy-one-suit-get-34-free sale at Jos. A. Bank. You may think you’re quick to minimize your open window, but every now and then, it’s distinctly obvious. Your boss rarely says anything, but you can see the disappointment in their eyes. Much the same way my parents looked at me after most High School report cards. Instead of risking going back and forth between CNN and PGP, simply copy and paste articles into Microsoft Word. It doesn’t look perfect, but the odds of getting caught reading an article are much, much lower.
These tips absolutely will not get you a VP title, however they will make you look like a slightly more effective employee without doing anything extra.