It would seem that every time a certain Presidential candidate opens his mouth, at least half of the people I follow on Twitter threaten to move to Canada. To which I immediately wonder, “Why Canada?” Why is our neighbor to the north the choice of Trump flee-ers? Is it the adorable “eh” added to the end of questions? The universal healthcare? The desire to live in the land that spawned Bieber? The yum-yum-yummy looking Prime Minister?
Well frankly, people, those are some shitty reasons on which to make your choice of country to defect to, plus Drake said on SNL this weekend that we can’t move in with him, so we are going to need some alternatives. Luckily for you, I’m here to offer some other options.
Australia. I’ve always wanted to go to Australia, but the fourteen-plus hour flight has been a deterrent. Even with copious numbers of mini-bottles of booze and a handful of Xanax, that long on a plane is pushing my limits. But I’d definitely consider it if I was going one-way…particularly if I could see a koala, a kangaroo, or a Hemsworth brother. Plus, if you relocate to Oz and someone asks where you come from, you can simply respond in song.
Brazil. Sure, Brazil’s president has been suspended and is awaiting an impeachment trial, the national economy is in the midst of a horrible recession and the country remains the epicenter of the Zika epidemic. But they are having the Olympics, so obviously there will be a huge boost to the economy, right? I mean, ask those people in Greece how the 2004 Summer Games helped them out.
Mexico. Maybe the first two options are a bit far away for you. So let’s go with the alternative North American option, Mexico. I don’t really know much about the country aside from that I got extremely wasted in Cancun on spring break, but how bad can it be if Trump wants to build a wall to keep U.S. citizens from defecting there?
North Korea . Yes, it’s true that close to a million people a year starve to death in North Korea while the government directs its funds to build up its nuclear arsenal. And yes, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has no problem executing anyone that gives him the side-eye, But let’s be honest: do you really think he can be worse than Trump? Probably not.
Okay, but seriously.
Iceland. I’m totally serious about Iceland. I’ve been there, and it’s gorge. A few other reasons why Iceland is awesome:
Mosquitoes don’t exist in Iceland (No Zika!).
The crime rate is so low police don’t carry guns. Instead, they post puppies on their official Instagram account.
It’s been ranked as the “world’s friendliest country.”
They have hot springs and the Northern Lights.
Hey ladies: Iceland has been rated as the country with the world’s smallest gender gap for six years in a row.
The sun almost never sets in the summer.
Iceland was the first country to elect a female president…of course, we follow suit, we won’t be looking for somewhere to move.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that my grandparents are Canadian, and we have a vacation home in one of the eastern provinces. Which I plan to make my permanent home if that bum actually gets elected. So it’s not that I don’t like Canada…I just don’t want my peaceful second home to get overrun with cranky Americans if the dude who was the president of a fake university actually becomes president of our real country. So if Canada is still your choice of new homeland… remember everything is actually Canada’s fault.
And pick somewhere else. Please. .
Image via Shutterstock