We’ve all done it. You’re sitting at the bar with a couple of friends, splitting a pitcher, and talking shit about how basic Emily looks in her newly posted engagement photos. The “Marimba” tone sounds, the Pavlov effect takes place, and every single person in the vicinity looks at their phone. But it’s yours, and you just silence the ringtone, flip it over, and go back to making fun of the his and hers rain boots Emily clearly forced Matt into for the pictures.
“Who was that?”
“Oh, nobody. Now can we talk about the lake background?! How original.”
And just like that, the conversation is over. Your friends don’t pry or wonder if you’re in a relationship that you’re keeping secret (lolz, you definitely aren’t) because if it had been their phone sending the bar into a phone-grabbing-panic, nine times out of ten they would have done the exact same thing. For whatever reason, whether it be the generational gap, or our own laziness and need to multi-task, we just don’t feel comfortable with the concept of talking on the phone these days. At the core of it is that there are very, very few instances in which we’ll just pick up the phone these days. And if the name coming across the screen is any of the following, we’re definitely not picking up.
Show me a call screen that says “Unknown” or “No Caller Id,” and I’ll show you a girl on the receiving end who is pretty sure she is about to be Taken. And if that mystery caller leaves a voicemail? Yeah…then we’re absolutely sure that we’ve found ourselves inside of a 2015 remake of The Ring, and all we’ll hear is some static and, “You will die in seven days.”
Yes, there is a general understanding that it’s probably just a survey, a telemarketer because twenty-somethings don’t believe in the Do-Not-Call-List, or a bill collector you’ll inevitably deal with when you get the letter instead of the cryptic phone call. But what if it isn’t!? What if one of your 244 Twitter followers HAPPENED to get ahold of your number and is calling to tell you how one day you’ll be the latest addition to his living doll collection? You can’t get creeped out if you don’t answer the phone. Better safe than sorry, my friend.
That relentless bitch. If you had known that four years of Kegs and Eggs, cramming for anthropology tests, and only one year of unlimited soft serve in the cafeteria would mean this broad would follow your every move after graduation, you would have just said “screw it” and gone backpacking through Europe instead. You can learn the same things about Homo Erectus on your own Eat, Pray, Love journey as you can with a massive hangover from doing too many kamikazes at Sig Ep. It’s not like you’re naive and think she’s going somewhere. You just don’t need a reminder of how much college cost you with your $7 beer, thanks so much.
You will get your payment on the 16th after payday, Sallie. Cool your jets for a week. Sheesh.
A Coworker You Aren’t Office Buddies With.
If this was Chris who you regularly G-Chat and walk to the burrito joint for lunch twice a week with, it would be one thing. Your office husband/wife is your ride-or-die who gets you through the 40+ hours of necessary work to propel you towards the weekend. If they call, you answer. But it’s Shelby who you only know because she supposedly got too drunk at the Christmas party and tried to blow Chris, and now you make fun of her on occasion over burritos. Yeah, you aren’t interested in talking to her. She can only be calling to go over work related stuff that she’s too stupid to figure out on her own or to try and pick your brain about your office hubby, and you strictly abide by bros before hoes. Sorry, Shelby.
A Guy You Aren’t Interested In Dating.
Ugh. You made the mistake of taking him home after trivia one night because you were drunk and needed to someone to help you hook up the surround sound in your apartment. You meant to invert the 8 and the 3 in your phone number but he caught you at 6 a.m. when you were still half-asleep and vulnerable, so you gave him your real number instead. Now every 48 hours or so he attempts to make contact. Mistake.
He’s apparently upgraded from just sending texts that go ignored to actually calling. No, no that doesn’t look weird at all. If he repeat calls you know he’s drunk and desperate and then you get to implement my favorite iPhone feature ever: Block Caller.
Look. We all love our moms. Moms are great! They remind us to go to the dentist, to send birthday cards to Grandma Ruby, and send us homemade Chex Mix sometimes so we never forget how much we are loved. No one is arguing about the love we have for Mommy Dearest.
But Moms can talk. And you know if you answer that call, you are committing to hearing her talk about how she wants to re-stain the cabinets, how she isn’t sure what family they’re going to spend the 4th with, how Janet took her to Coldwater Creek and there wasn’t anything cute, and a standard Q&A about your love life. Talking to Mom is exhausting if you aren’t prepared.
Best to call mom when you have a minute. And until then, keep your phone on silent. .
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