Ok, I need to be honest. I’m writing this on a Monday morning, trying to stay awake at work after taking a red-eye from Vegas, celebrating two family Easters, and then having an attack of insomnia. So I’m not entirely sure this column is even coherent, but what the hell? Most of you are probably too hungover from Easter wine to tell the difference, so here we go.
One of the hallmarks of a weekend so bad it was good is when you wake up somewhere and you aren’t entirely sure how you got there. Well, that happened to this cutie this weekend:
— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) March 27, 2016
According to the New York Daily News, this baby seal, who rescuers named Ozzie, somehow made it 4 miles from the water to the front yard of a home in the San Francisco Bay Area. Thankfully, Ozzie had no injuries and was taken to the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito to figure out why she keeps coming ashore.
Yes, that’s right, I said keeps: according to staff at the Center, this is Ozzie’s second foray into the city: last November, she was found malnourished at New Brighton State Beach in Capitola. After that episode, she was treated and released earlier this month in Bodega Bay – about 100 miles northwest from where she was found this time.
Maybe it’s time for Ozzie to lay off the
booze seafood. [via New York Daily News]
The Kids Of These People
Listen, I get competition. Sometimes it gets the best of us, and we go a little overboard. Which is probably what these parents would say happened at the official Pez Easter egg hunt this weekend, but I’m just going to call them straight up crazy.
For the third year in a row, the friendly folks at Pez, everyone’s favorite sugar tablet/candy, hosted an Easter egg hunt for kids at their Orange, CT headquarters. According to WFSB, the company had placed more than 9,000 eggs on three different fields and there were to be staggered starts for each age group, giving all of the kids an opportunity to participate and get some candy. But apparently, the adults got out of control, rushing into all three fields at 10:30 a.m. According to statement from Pez:
“Unfortunately people chose to enter the first field prior to anyone from PEZ staff starting the activity. The crowd moved to the 2nd field, waited for only a couple of minutes and proceeded to rush the field without being directed to do so and before the posted start time. The crowd then immediately moved to the 3rd field and took over and removed everything well before the activity was to even start.
One parent on hand, Nicole Welch, said that ‘children were trampled, parents knocked over children and eggs were stolen out of peoples’ baskets.”
The Pez people tried to make it right, handing out candy and coupons at the exits to try and make sure the kids who didn’t get anything left with something. But still, those children had to go home with those crazy people, so I’m thinking no matter how much free candy they got, they still lost. [via WFSB]
Well, more specifically, people that walk and text in New Jersey. Because a new bill there could land people that are distracted while walking in jail for 15 days.
New Jersey Assemblywoman Pamela Lampitt proposed the ban, which would outlaw walking while texting and prohibit pedestrians from using electronic devices unless they are hands-free. According to Lampitt, “Distracted pedestrians, like distracted drivers, present a potential danger to themselves and drivers on the road. An individual crossing the road distracted by their smartphone presents just as much danger to motorists as someone jaywalking and should be held, at minimum, to the same penalty.”
That penalty could be fines of up to $50, 15 days imprisonment or both. Given that walking incidents involving cellphones accounted for an estimated 11,101 injuries from 2000 through 2011, according to the National Safety Council, I get what Ms. Lampitt is trying to do. But my question is, what am I supposed to do while walking instead of look at my phone? Actually pay attention to where I’m going? Make eye contact with fellow pedestrians? That’s just crazy talk. [via Daily Mail]
Meyers, of Concord, North Carolina, had a pretty bad weekend because of some mistakes he made fourteen years ago. Mistake #1: he rented the Tom Green’s 2001 movie Freddy Got Fingered on VHS, because I assume all of the copies of Bubble Boy were already taken. Mistake #2: he forgot to return the aforementioned video to J&J’s video store (which has since closed because who the hell goes to the video store?). These mistakes resulted in a warrant for Meyers’ arrest, which was served when he was pulled over for a broken taillight. Apparently, “failing to return rental property” is a misdemeanor in North Carolina – one punishable with a fine of up to $200.
Even Tom Green himself couldn’t believe it:
I just saw this and I am struggling to believe it is real. https://t.co/GrTXoUj29X
— Tom Green (@tomgreenlive) March 24, 2016
The comedian has also offered to pay the fine for Meyers. Which is only fair, since Meyers was already punished by having to sit through the movie to begin with. [via Mashable]
So this is the only bet I made in Vegas:
Big ballin' pic.twitter.com/NlW5RDiJwE
— J (@2NOTBrokeGirls) March 26, 2016
And we all know how that turned out. **Cough**choke**cough**. But still, I was in Vegas. So how bad could my weekend have really been?.
Image via Shutterstock