Born and raised in Australia, Matthew Dellavedova is a 6’4 backup point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Given that there are 30 NBA teams, it would be fair to reason that in his role, Dellavedova is at least one of the top 60 best point guards in the world right now. At the very least, with his foreign background, he should be counted on as a go-to shooter for the Cavs in clutch time, right?
Since his anomaly 2015 NBA Finals Game 2 against the Warriors, the minimally-talented guard has steadily lowered his worth in dramatic fashion, most recently air-balling a wide open three-point look in crunch time during Game 4 against the Raptors. Flops and helpless isolation defense was also plentiful from him over the course of that game.
While footage of these cringeworthy on-court moments is unavailable at the moment, the Twitter universe was not remotely shy about Dellavedova’s hard-to-watch role in Game 4:
I play pick up hoops with several middle aged white dudes who are all exactly as good as Matthew Dellavedova
— Ben Rogers (@BenRogers) May 18, 2016
Dellavedova is an inspiration to everyone who fears that dribbling like a child will prevent them from playing in the NBA
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) May 24, 2016
I’m sorry but Dellavedova is garbage
— Aubrey Zimmerman (@aubreyzimm) May 24, 2016
Not trying to troll anybody or nothing but I’ve played pick up ball with guys better than Dellavedova. Dead serious
— Trey Moss (@Mossyyy_) May 24, 2016
Reminder… Matthew Dellavedova really air balled a wide open 3 in the last minute of a close game…The jig is almost up on his career
— Steez Lo Green (@___Prime) May 24, 2016
The fact that this goofy import is making over a million dollars to provide his basketball talent for one of the top three professional basketball teams in the world is mind-boggling.
Without further ado, here are five people who I consider close friends that I believe could cause less destruction on a basketball court than Matthew Dellavedova:
John Curtis Lawson, 5’10 (Lexington, KY)
Nothing screams “hoops legend” like when a guy rocks the Nike running shoes at the end of a dark cul-de-sac and still manages to don an alpha male game-face like that. If you couldn’t tell, JC is also semi-palming the ball, which we should all be in awe over. My guess is that if Dellavedova were assigned such a complex series of tasks, he would somehow fall down and have Cory Joseph blow by him for an easy layup.
Billy Moody, 6’0 (Columbia, SC)
Pictured on his 2008-09 high school freshman team’s picture day, it’s clear that Billy has an excellent handle on the ball here (with his off-hand nonetheless!). As impressive as his ball-holding skills are, Billy’s number one claim to fame, though, is his striking resemblance to one-hit wonder and fellow #32, Jimmer Fredette. Dellavedova, on the other hand, couldn’t bear resemblance to a prominent athlete if he even tried.
Preston French, 6’0 (Murray, KY)
A former Division I golfer, Preston had classes with current NBAers Isaiah Cannan and Cameron Payne while tearing up the Murray State intramurals scene with his magical left-handed floater and crafting his own memes out of the amateur photography.
Andrew Kirk, 6’4 (Lexington, KY)
He can dunk with two hands with ease and is neither soft nor dirty when challenged physically. As seen above, the arm-crossing skills speak for themselves.
Hayes Gardner, 6’0 (Portland, OR)
Hayes, who played all four years for Division III Grinnell College despite never playing on his high school’s team, conquers Dellavedova on many fronts. Most notably came his performance on November 20, 2012, when he and his teammate Jack Taylor combined to score 138 points in one record-breaking game.
Hayes may have scored zero of those 138 shared points, but he did watch every single one of them go through the basket from the bench on that unforgivingly cold Iowa night. I’m having an extremely difficult time picturing Dellavedova providing such consistent, reliable support if put in Hayes’ spot.
The Rest Of The Grinnell College Basketball Team
Hell, at this point, I’m convinced any legitimate college basketball player could not possibly do worse than my new Aussie mate.
So keep an eye out, basketball fans, because Cavs GM David Griffin is bound to be stopping by your local YMCA to scout the next
great I mean competent I mean breathing human to backup Kyrie Irving at point guard for them soon..