Fake Blondes Are Ruining My Life

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Fake Blondes Are Ruining My Life

There are not too many things I have going for me. I’m stubborn. I’m a control freak. I have a hard time admitting when I’m wrong. I still have acne far past puberty. I suck at keeping in touch with people. I can’t manage to lose my freshman 15. And I’m a little too independent. But with all that aside, there’s one thing about myself that I do like.

Unlike plenty of women in this day and age, my blonde hair is natural. I don’t pay $60 at the salon every 3 weeks to fix my roots. Sure, I’ve tried out brighter blonde highlights a few times, but when it comes down to it, I have medium blonde hair and have since it darkened a little around 13. There’s really nothing I love more than being blonde. It’s the one thing that sets me apart from others and that’s why fake blondes really get me going. They’re reaping all the benefits of being blonde, with none of the downsides and it pisses.me.off.

I have to deal with all the pros and cons that come along with being blonde. The biggest pro: I really do think blondes have more fun. I’m easily the wildest of all my friends and most carefree. I don’t know if this has anything to do with my hair, but I’d like to think it plays a role.

I might get more attention and therefore more opportunities to be crazy. Being blonde gives me a youthful, fun look and that’s a personality I’ll always want to maintain. I think being blonde makes me stand out so much that even after meeting someone once, they tend to remember me and I can make a stronger first impression.

The pros and cons of having blonde hair are, for the most part, comparable. I have a love-hate situation going on for my blue eyes. Not every blonde has them, but it’s a trait and mutation that less than a third of the population has and something I definitely take pride in.

In my friend group, I’m one of the only ones to have them and I get a compliment from a stranger every once and a while. It’s cool and all, but light blue eyes are extremely sensitive to light. I can’t bare the sight of the sun or sometimes even white, bright snow without sunglasses. If I can’t find a pair and need to drive somewhere or be outside, forget about it. A headache is sure to follow.

Being blonde means I have an extremely fair complexion. Maybe not true for all blondes, but I would say the majority. I have skin that burns in less than 10 minutes of sun exposure. It’s terrible.

It’s hard for me to have a fun day at the beach without completely regretting my decision to go when my skin turns red and sensitive to touch just hours later. I can apply sunscreen but always miss a spot or forget to reapply after too many mixed drinks. A week-long tropical vacation and I’m almost guaranteed to have to spend one day completely inside recuperating my skin.

And this new “brow game” trend? Another trait I don’t really possess. Much like my hair, my eyebrows are, you guessed it, blonde. They barely show on my face and require all types of beauty products to ever be “on fleek.” Someone’s eyebrows are always true evidence of reality. A blonde with dark brown brows can almost always be called out for being a faux-blonde. I’m blonde with blonde eyebrows, light eyelashes, and light eyes (if I don’t wear makeup). This means that my face can be totally drowned out. Plain Jane is an understatement if I’m seen without eyeliner and mascara.

These pros and cons are why I’m out to get fake blondes. They get all the cool attention of being a rarity with none of the struggles. They don’t have to deal with fair skin. Usually their fake hair is complimented by a fake tan and they look like a goddess.

They get to keep their natural eyebrow color and don’t have to worry about darkening them. Their non-blue eyes can handle the elements. They get all the pros of being darker complected AND the pros of having blonde hair. It’s not fair, and quite frankly, I’m salty about it. I can’t do anything to fix my sensitive skin or lack of darker facial features, but one trip to the salon and their blonde hair probably looks better than mine.

To all you fake blondes out there, just let us natural blondes have this one, please. It’s trendy to be blonde and we deserve the credit. Your brown or red or black hair does not look bad, I promise. Let me have just this one interesting and unique thing about me. It’s all I’ve got. Oh, and also I’ve got quite the pet peeve on fake boobs, but I’ll save that for another day.

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