Failed Attempts To Fly: The Various Ways I Tried, And Failed, To Get High In Middle School

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Failed Attempts to Fly:  The Various Ways I Tried, And Failed, To Get High In Middle School

You might be thinking, “How hard was it to score a bag of weed?” Well this was during my middle school days, I lived with my traditional Baptist family in the burbs, and it was 1995, so the “Just Say No” campaign was still going strong (thanks, Reagan). Getting stoned for the first time was something I coveted and worked very hard for. Here are the many different ways I tried:

1.Banana Peels

Somewhere I heard that smoking dried banana peels would get me buzzed. So late one sleepover night at a friend’s house, we started peeling a couple bananas and baking them in the oven. We then took them out and kind of rolled them into a joint? It was very half-ass and pathetic. The flavor was horrendous because as soon as I would light the match, I would start sucking in air. Basically, I was inhaling the phosphorus being burned off from the match. It tasted sour. I was not high. Fuck me.


I heard that Malcolm X used to get high off ingesting nutmeg while in prison. So off to the kitchen pantry I went like a total dumbass. Have you even purchased nutmeg? It comes in a 1 ounce container. I didn’t know what I was doing. I started sprinkling nutmeg in a glass of water. Probably the equivalent of what you would put in egg nog. It tasted powdery. I was not high. What a douche.

3. Random Plants Found By The Creek

No shit, I would do this. I would walk the creek by my house and try to find anything that resembled a weed leaf. I would then pick it, dry it for a day, and smoke it. That can not be healthy. I did not get high. I have no clue how I’m still alive. Fuck.

4. Marijuana

Right after 13th birthday I finally did it. I knew the right kid in school who had that older high school brother that smoked pot. I got my courage up and made the transaction. I finally had a joint in my top drawer, under my socks, and just waited for that perfect time my parents would be gone for more than an hour. I walked to this wooded area near my house and lit up. It tasted like burning. I was high. Then I found out it was oregano. I was not high. I suck.

Luckily, my time would come a few weeks later. A kind, generous soul “smoked me out” behind the the CiCi’s Pizza. This was back when their buffet was still $1.99. Those were good times.

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