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“Exercise in a Bottle” Will Change The Way Your Fat Ass Loses Weight

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If you’ve ever sat on your couch watching a Richard Simmons “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” tape while eating a pile of mini-Crunch Bars and thought, “Gee, I wish I could get in shape, but it’s just sooo…much…effort to get up, and these potato chips taste so damn good. Why can’t science just make me thin?” then Nestlé has some good news for you. The company is currently working on something called Exercise in a Bottle, and it could change the way we look at weight loss forever.

From the people who brought you Kit Kats, Butterfingers, Baby Ruths, hot chocolate, and possibly sugar-related tantrums, here comes a magical formula that burns calories without you lifting a finger. Scientists at Nestlé, located in Lake Geneva, Switzerland, have identified an enzyme that contributes to regulating metabolism and how a compound known as C13, combined with that enzyme, can mimic the fat-burning effects of exercise.

While a miracle weight loss shake is years away, this is an important first step toward figuring out how to make food do more than just make you fat, the company says.

The goal here is to help people maintain their metabolism after they can no longer tolerate actual exercise. “The enzyme can help people who can’t tolerate or continue rigorous exercise,” said Kei Sakamoto, the scientist who leads research on diabetes and circadian rhythms at Nestlé. “Instead of 20 minutes of jogging or 40 minutes of cycling, it may help boost metabolism with moderate exercise like brisk walking. They’d get similar effects with less strain.”

Hopefully this can also apply to people who can’t tolerate exercise because they’re lazy fucks like me. If I can drink some kind of shake that helps me lose weight while binging on “Breaking Bad,” bring it the fuck on. I don’t really care if it kills me, I just hate going to the gym.

Bonus points if you can mix it with booze. While not a flying car, this could be a huge game-changer for mankind. What a future.

[via Bloomberg]

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