It happens. The younger you are, the more often it’s likely to occur. When I was in college, I was the student who went by the, “If I’m more than x minutes late, I’m probably just not going to go” rule. This was because I was a super responsible person and didn’t want to interrupt class. I mean, you paid a lot of money to get a quality college education, and it shouldn’t be interrupted because I got shitfaced last night and hit the snooze button one too many times. But now since I’m getting paid, that rule is null and void. I have to show up, even if I do happen to hit the snooze button one too many times. But that’s not why I’m late. THIS is why I’m late:
Important and elusive sounding, the “family emergency” excuse almost always works. But, be careful. If you tend to use this excuse a lot, you’re going to need a running story that you can keep up with. Sure, “My sister is in the hospital” works a time or two, but you’ll probably to need something a little more convincing. Your great uncle Mike’s wife’s nephew Jason is in the hospital, and although you’re not really close now, he was like your brother growing up (if a brother is someone you only see two times a year) and they’re having a really hard time figuring out what’s wrong with him. You need to be there just in case, especially for moral support. It’s hitting your great uncle Mike really hard. It’s a difficult time–your boss understands that. Right?
The solid, age-old excuse. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. You’ll need to be prepared to suffer the consequences, though. If your office requires a doctor’s note, you should probably skip over this one. Say it was a 24 hour stomach bug, or befriend a doctor. If you need a few days off, check out what’s going around; it’s like window-shopping, but for diseases. It’s currently flu season, so you can jump on that bandwagon. If you overheard Sharon in accounting talking about how her daughter has strep throat, go for the gold and have strep. Blame it on Sharon for being a carrier. Damn it, Sharon! If you just want the morning or afternoon off, say you have an appointment to have your parts checked out. Nobody is going to question a nice pap smear or prostate check, and if someone does, you can swear by the fact you told Angela, your boss’s assistant, about it two weeks ago and she must’ve just been so busy that she forgot.
“Have you seen the polar vortex outside?”
This is an excuse I’m pretty sure only those of us who live in the South can use. We don’t know how to function in weather that isn’t considered the norm–and by “norm” I mean, “One time, it snowed seven inches when I was a kid and that’s the most snow I’ve ever seen and I barely remember it.” The norm for southerners is a slight dusting where the temperature never drops below 30 degrees. Those living in the deep South? No. If it drops below 40 degrees, they’re just done. You saw what happened the last time. We all saw what happened the last time. And there’s no way they’re making it to work today.
Daylight Savings Time
This literally only works one day out of the year, but play right and you’ll be good. Just pretend you didn’t know about the time change on Sunday and say, “I completely forgot to spring my clocks forward an hour!” In reality you’re like, “Fuck yeah, extra hour of sleep!”