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Ex-Athletes And Prostitutes: A Conundrum

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Two weeks ago, American national treasure and holder of the number one spot in the UNLV alum-turned-broadcaster power rankings Greg Anthony was busted for soliciting a prostitute. Now, news has broken about NFL legend and extremely likable shitbag Warren Sapp getting busted for the same, plus assault. A public figure getting busted with a hooker is a tale as old as time, but it’s become an Ebola-like epidemic in America. By that, I mean it hasn’t happened to that many people, but it’s news when it does.

Regardless, like a lot of problems, this one is avoidable with a few simple steps, so Greg, Warren, Chuck Barkley, the O.G. Hugh Grant, and all you others, listen up and take notes. Let’s see where Greg and some others went wrong, and where we can make adjustments and right the ship.

For starters, if you want to get laid, do it the old-fashioned way.

You’re Greg effing Anthony. You won a national championship. You played in the NBA. You called the Final Four. You’re a sports figure. And let’s be honest, recently turned twenty-one Becky McSlut doesn’t know you from John Wall, she just knows you’re famous and doesn’t give a shit. Use this to your advantage next time you’re looking to find some strange in a random city — it’ll save you some embarrassment and a one-night stay in the slammer. Dennis Rodman nailed Carmen Electra, so you sure as hell can take home some coed from Rim Job State. If you need tips on how to exploit your celebrity status further, I suggest contacting Pat “The Bat” Burrell.

Now, this isn’t always the way you have to go, especially when you’re just stopping in a city for work and you’re short on time. But, if you’ve gotta go the way of the world’s oldest profession, take some steps to protect your image.

Consider your circumstances.

There are right times and prices for soliciting a prostitute. When it’s 5:45 p.m. and she asks for $80, that isn’t one of them. They aren’t called ladies of dusk, Greg, so maybe next time, why don’t you finish dinner and then try to lock down your escort for the night? Same goes for you, Warren — 7 a.m. is when you should be slamming hungover Waffle House, not hookers. Also, if your hooker costs less than a night at a Red Roof Inn, you’re looking at one of three scenarios: she’s either an undercover cop, a complete dumpster fire, or she will give you a set of STDs that you can refer to as the new triple-double. You’re not coming out of a 5:45 p.m., $80 hooker negotiation without some baggage.

Delete your texts and voicemails.

Goddammit, Tiger. Rookie mistake.

Do it the right way.

I would imagine that Greg and all previously mentioned public figures are well compensated for their respective jobs. That being said, don’t let yourself get caught in a sleazy hooker situation, paying some cheap stripper a few bucks to accompany you to your BMW parked in the alley. My biggest recommendation when it comes to this? Treat. Yo. Self. Get a hotel room and spend the extra money on a nice professional escort. Now, Greg did the hotel room part the right way, so he gets half-credit there. But again, she was charging $80. I don’t care if she was a smokeshow — as the old saying goes, “If that woman who has sex for money looks way better than her price, she’s probably a cop and you’re about to be arrested.”

Just wear it.

Own up to it. You love hookers and they love you back, and you’ll keep ordering them like Chinese takeout. Good luck keeping your job, wife, kids, and reputation, but dammit, you’ll be up to your eyes in hookers, so who gives a shit? Charlie Sheen has mastered this technique, and you can, too.

That’s all I’ve got for Greg and Warren. Hopefully you rebound from this the right way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to do some haggling with this $90 hooker who won’t leave my hotel room.

Image via Debby Wong / Shutterstock.com

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. Dad humor all day every day.

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