We have finally arrived to the Finale where we will see THREE couples get engaged. We all know who they are because of #spoileralert Nick being the Bachelor, but we are all watching anyways because we hate ourselves.
First of all, this isn’t like the Bachelor/Bachelorette where they have like, three or four months to get to know each other and fall in love and get engaged. THEY HAVE THREE WEEKS HERE!!! I don’t even save a guys phone number after three weeks. I don’t even tell a guy my last name after three weeks. This is such a shit show.
Up first in their hotel robes and sucking face is my #1 guess for the couple to fail first, Carly and Evan. Carly tells Evan that her new favorite thing in the world is to wake up next to him, and I gag. That should never be anyone on the planets favorite thing to do. I would rather wake up next to the homeless man who lives in my parking garage than Evan.
Evan begins to perform some kind of freestyle rap/sonnet/sad written poem for Carly, and because I can’t do this alone, I have copied it below for all of you to cringe to with me:
So I fell in love with a girl named Carly
She had me chillin’ on the beach like a guy named Marley
She is gluten free, and that includes barley
Let us all hold hands and roll our eyes together. Thank Chris Harrison that this shit is almost over.
Grant and Lace are up next in their hotel robes looking like they just did some shit none of us have ever heard of. Lace needs an eyelash appointment as soon as she gets back to wherever the hell she spawned from. Her eyelash extensions are hanging on for dear life and it looks like the giant spiders from Harry Potter are crawling out of her eyeballs.
Lace is crying because she doesn’t know what Grant is going to do. She is questioning the tattoos because he is questioning the engagement. Maybe you should have had this talk before you got the tattoos, but I am just a third party observer with no personal interest in the matter.
“If we don’t get engaged, we are probably NOT going to make it.”- Lace, who has no idea that dating in the real world DOES exist and you aren’t supposed to get engaged after living on a reality TV show for three weeks
Grant is confused. Grant doesn’t know what to do. Grant has two tattoos for two different girls he has dated within the same year. Grant needs to get into a program for serial dating.
Oh, Nick and Jen. We get to watch them break up now. Yay. Why would ABC do this to us? Why wouldn’t they just give us Luke and leave Nick to go back into his scarf closet and leave reality TV forever? I love Nick, but #teamluke.
Amanda and Josh are next, not in robes, but canoodling on Josh’s bed of lies. Josh is in head-to-toe Lululemon. Amanda is so cute and sweet and perfect, but her keebler elf voice has finally gotten to me and I am over her. She is so naïve and blind to this whole situation that you can’t even feel sorry for her.
Amanda says that getting engaged to Josh would make it the “best day of her life,” and it’s like, what about the BIRTH OF YOUR CHILDREN? If my mom went on TV and said that getting engaged to some hothead jock with chiclets for teeth was the best day of her life, we would have some problems at Thanksgiving.
Josh, in his best attempt to be sincere, says that he is afraid this has gone too fast and he is concerned about the children and family. He’s basically only saying that because his publicist just emailed it to him.
Bachelor jeweler Neil Lane arrives to show Nick rings, and he’s all “HOW MANY MORE TIMES AM I GOING TO SEE YOU?” and Nick is all “haha! Hopefully never!”
And LOL jokes on him because this definitely will not be the last time!!!! I suddenly am giddy for the finale of Nick’s season so I can watch these two interact again.
Nick tells him about this incredible woman, how he loves her, and Neil rolls his eyes and is like yeah, heard that one before. Here’s a cubic zirconia I don’t need it back.
Next up is Josh, another regular. Neil Lane knows him by first name too. This keeps getting better and better! It’s never a good sign when an engagement ring designer knows you by your first name. Unless you are Ross Geller.
Carly walks down the beach to Evan who is wearing my least favorite thing of all time, pants and flip-flops. I will spare you all the corny details and tell you that they cry and say the stupidest shit, but yeah they are engaged. I give it less than a year.
Lace walks down the beach to Grant, who is NOT wearing suspenders, which is a shocker. Lace says she feels like she’s going to throw up, and she begins her speech. This is feeling very Monica and Chandler, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually proposed to him.
“I love you Grant, but I love Grace more.” – Lace (what the fuck does that even mean?)
Grant gives his speech, he proposes, and they are engaged. Ah, seems like just yesterday that Lace was straddling and choke holding Chad in a pool. They grow up so fast!
Jen appears and walks down to the beach to her breakup where Nick is standing. This is now Nick’s THIRD (and definitely not the last) time on the awkward proposal platform. This time the ball is in his court, though, so he must be feeling off of his game.
For the first time in his Bachelor life, Nick has been chosen. NO MORE RUNNER-UP, but yeah, he blows it and starts crying and says that he is not in love with her. Not just a few tears either. He goes full-on Ashley.
Nick says that “something is telling him to say goodbye,” and we all know that something is Chris Harrison promising him that if he dumps Jen he will get to be the Bachelor/his slave.
He tells Jen she deserves better than him, aka “I was told if I did this I could be the Bachelor.” Nick stuffs her into the Tahoe, and she cries and says she doesn’t get it. Well, hopefully she gets it now!
Nothing like validating your breakup by finding out your ex is about to go on TV and date 25 of America’s most desperate women!!!!! I would be out for blood.
Amanda appears next and walks down to meet her knight in shining Lululemon armor! We are about to see them have the longest conversation of their relationship yet. Amanda rattles off a scripted speech, Josh moans, kisses her, and reads his speech. I don’t believe a word he’s saying even though he starts crying. He is a terrible actor.
He proposes, tells her how pretty the ring is on her, and mentions “there are diamonds EVERYWHERE!” Glad that is over.
Now we get the most beautiful montage of the funniest moments of this season. This will play on loop at my funeral.
Never forget Chris Harrison saying to Chad: “you told everyone at this hotel last night to suck a dick.”
Never forget Damn Daniel calling himself Canadian bacon and trying to pronounce “bachelorette.”
Never forget the twins asking what basic vocabulary words mean.
Never forget Ashley saying she is only going to cry three times.
Never forget Evan faking an injury to get a girl to like him.
See you guys next summer!!!! (Fingers crossed we see Daniel too.).
Image via YouTube / ABC