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Well folks, this is it. Night one of the ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Finale. I’m hoping that everyone gets dumped after Fantasy Suite date night, but I know I won’t be that lucky.
We all know that Nick and Jen don’t end up together since he is the next Bachelor and everything, so we have two more opportunities to see Nick potentially get dumped on national television. It’s riveting.
All of the couples are realizing that it’s make it or break it, as their free vacation is about to come to an end and they need to make decisions about their futures. Or they need to decide if they want to sell gummy hair vitamins or teeth whitener on Instagram.
I really did not think another person would be showing up but I am mistaken, as the chicken girl from Ben’s season appears. Apparently she has a name and it is Tiara. Who the hell would name their daughter Tiara? Girl was just born to have issues. Her name alone screams high maintenance psycho.
They brought this poor girl into this mess with like two days left, which is just fucked up. How is she supposed to play this game with like, 48 hours left? She basically is just there for the weekend vacation and to try and get a tan and a buzz as quickly as possible.
Nick convinces her to give him her date card so he can take Jen out, and she realizes there are zero men for her there so she caves and gives it to him. Willing to bet he has some kind of inside Bachelor dirt on her and that’s why she gave the date card, but whatever.
Their date is basically the two of them at the Mexican state fair/Dave and Busters, and then they visit a fortune teller who is basically just a local that the producers threw a head wrap on and gave a set a tarot cards and some creepy candles to.
The tarot lady spews some bullshit that Jen immediately finds a way to relate to their relationship, so this leads into their serious convo about their relationship.
“I didn’t believe in horoscopes before, but that just proved me wrong.” – Jen, who doesn’t understand that what just happened has nothing to do with horoscopes or the zodiac.
Of course they say they are closer than ever, they are on the same page, etc. We all know something comes up between now and tonight, so I don’t care about any of this. Maybe they will remain cordial and then Jen will show up on Nick’s season of The Bachelor like “surprise bitch!”
Brett has to decide between Izzy and Lauren H. at the next rose ceremony, so both ladies are throwing themselves at him to try and get his rose. It seems he is leaning closer towards Lauren, but who knows, he’s got the fuckboy haircut so we can never be too sure.
In an interesting and shocking turn of events, Brett decides to not be a fuckboy and decides to pull Izzy aside and tell her that he plans on giving his rose to Lauren. Ten points to Brett for not publicly humiliating her at the rose ceremony, but after what she did to Vinny, I kind of wish he had done that.
Izzy just decides to leave after this rejection and cries to everyone about how she wants to go see Vinny and that she regrets what she did. Is she for real?!?! She told her “boyfriend” that she wanted to fuck another dude and broke up with him. Get. Lost.
She plans on calling him as soon as she leaves to try and go see him in Florida instead of going home, because she is obviously unemployed and can just do that. When she calls him in the limo he says, “Who is this?” which is actually hilarious because she claims to love him. He doesn’t even have her phone number.
Vinny tells her there is no forgiving her or getting over what happened and he straight up hangs up on her. You go Vinny!
None of this shit would be happening if Brett didn’t just dump her. Does she not understand that? I hope our boy Vin is watching this with his mom right now laughing at how pathetic she is.
We get a nice little scene with Tiara the chicken girl eating chicken wings on the beach while we get a montage of chickens and chicken noises. Now I want wings.
So this is the last rose ceremony, and Chris Harrison appears after his spa day to tell them all how important it is for them to decide if they want to continue on to the Fantasy Suite dates or break up. He is pretty much just staring at Wells dead in eyes as he gives this speech, as everyone else is coupled up DTF.
Jami and Ashley both make out with Wells in attempt to get into his pants. Poor guy has no idea what is going on, and he looks like he’s about to explode.
Shoshanna decides this whole thing is stupid, charges off to her room, and says she is leaving. Not so fast! Wells decides to go after her and she is just like, “Yeah, I don’t want to be psycho and try and make you like me.” Ashley needs to be hearing this.
She is leaving because she doesn’t want to fight for someone, but she wants them to fight for her. Ugh. Don’t we all want that? C’mon girl. You can’t have both. She leaves, so now Wells only has to decide between two, not three.
Rose ceremony goes as follows:
Josh to Amanda
Nick to Jen
Grant to Lace
Evan to Carly
Brett doesn’t give out his rose; he doesn’t feel the connection he thinks he should have. He leaves.
Wells to Ashley
“This is the first non-friendship rose I have ever gotten in paradise!” – Ashley
Ashley thinks she is about to have a boyfriend and a great night in the fantasy suite. Oh, honey.
Chris Harrison speaks to the group and tells them to all go have “serious conversations about their relationships” and basically says if you aren’t serious about it, get the fuck out.
Of course the guys all talk to Wells about this Fantasy Suite date and the potential for him to take Ashley’s virginity. Poor Wells cannot be the guy to do that; I do not wish that for him. He would never escape her.
Wells decides he does not want to go into the fantasy suite with Ashley, which is probably the best idea for his future as well as his safety. He seems terrified at the idea of spending the night with her. Sad, yet hilarious.
He sits with Ashley and says that this whole thing is too new. He “really likes her,” but he doesn’t feel right about the Fantasy Suite, so he leaves. No tears, yet.
As soon as she gets back to her room, she cries. I am proud of her for holding it in, though. She obviously is leaving since its all couples left, so we are finally rid of Ashley forever. Or until next summer when she returns to steal Wells’ soul.
I honestly hate every single person that is left except for Nick, and we all know what is going to happen with him so my attention to this shit has officially left the building.
Everyone goes and gets ready for their dates with Lace in her best Forever 21 crop top and high waist denim shorts. Lace and Grant get the “shop in the market with the locals” date where they try on sombreros, take selfies in front of signs that say “love” and buy handmade bracelets that say “Grace.”
They have combined their names to “Grace” like they are Brangelina or some shit. I laughed out lout at how cheesy this was. Are they in high school? Also, do they not realize that “grace” is actually a real word and they did not make it up?
Oh, fuck. They see a tattoo parlor and decide they are going to get “Grace” tattooed on their damn bodies. Getting a tattoo in Mexico is not something on my to do list. Getting a tattoo for a boyfriend I have had for 15 days is DEFINITELY not on my to do list.
Also, the tattoo artist and his wife are both white American people so you have to assume that ABC flew them in to do the tattoos. Annnnd of course the tattoo artist and his wife got engaged after 12 days. They are only encouraging this shitshow, and I hate them for it.
I cannot believe these two psychopaths are getting their names tattooed on each other. But I mean, Grant has a tattoo for the girl he was engaged to before he went on the Bachelorette, so this is completely normal for him. Just a regular day!
Lace doesn’t think they will be able to stay together unless they get matching tattoos to “solidify” things. They are on the right track to a beautiful and healthy relationship!
Next is Nick and Jen’s date, which is paddle boarding in the ocean. They are not very good at it.
Jen says she is in love with Nick, and this is all exhausting to me because we know it’s not going to work out. Fast-forwarding. Can’t.
Carly and Evan have the worst luck with dates, are they are the lucky ones that get to strip off their clothes, cover themselves in paint, and paint with their bodies.
Evan is wearing tighty whities and that image is now forever imprinted into my brain.
Amanda and Josh are thrown into a field with a bunch of kids to play soccer. Of course Josh is going on and on about how much he just LOVESSSS kids and can’t wait to force Amanda’s kids to play team sports instead of dance and cheer so he can coach them. Ah, love!
Evan and Carly say, “I Love You” and make out on a bed.
Nick and Jen are afraid to do long distance, but they are super into each other. They do not say they love each other, but they DO make out in a hot tub.
Grant and Lace say, “I Love You” and drink champagne on a bed.
Amanda and Josh talk about Amanda’s kids and make out on his bed of lies.
These overnight fantasy suite dates are such a joke because we all know they have all banged it out already. Can’t wait to see who gets fake engaged tonight!.
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They should have just played the scene of Vinny pulling a “new phone who dis?” and hanging up on Izzy for the entire two hours as that was the only thing worth my time in this episode
Josh and Amanda do because she is on his Snapchat story drinking wine, wearing a ring, and his caption is “My Fiancee, freaking hawwwt” or something stupid.