Everything You Need To Know About ‘Bachelor In Paradise,’ Week 5

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Everything You Need To Know About 'Bachelor In Paradise,' Week 5

We return this week to the beach where Ashley and Caila are fighting over Jared, yet again. This time Caila decides to pull out the big guns because she tells Ashley that she is “like a sister” to Jared which is like low-key the sickest burn to be delivered all season.

They decide they aren’t going to talk or be friends the rest of the time they are in Paradise. Caila also says that since Ashley is only there for Jared, she is “there for the wrong reasons” and I nearly spit out my wine.

@chrisbharrison #bachelorinparadise #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelornation #tattoosinparadise

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It’s only been 5 minutes and I am so over this storyline. I need Jared or Ashley to go home or I will begin fast-forwarding through this shit. I seriously can’t take it. Jared is the gum on the bottom of your shoe and for some reason two hot chicks are fighting over him and omg poor baby Jared is scared to tell one to back off. GROW A PAIR JARED!

Jared and Ashley talk on the beach and Ashley cries and cries and cries to him about the same shit she has been crying about for like the last three weeks. She doesn’t like seeing him with someone else, she is sad he is moving on, etc. I am ready to throw my TV out the window.

Again, Jared isn’t telling Ashley what he needs to be telling her. He just tells her she hasn’t met anyone yet on the island so she is just focused on him. HEY JARED?? Maybe tell this girl that you are not interested, you do not see a future with her, and you want her to back the fuck off? Tip toeing around her feelings because you want to be the “cool guy” is only making you look like an ASSHOLE, so just cut this bitch off so she will get off your jock and we can all move the FUCK on.

We learn that Ashley’s dog recently died, and through her tears she manages to say that even though her dog’s ashes are in a jar in her house, she knows the spirit of her dog will help her on this journey to get over Jared and find love. She also prays to her dog that a man she is attracted to will show up. Ok.

We hear dogs barking in a beautiful melody, a montage of island dogs playing in the beach, and then………..WELLS SHOWS UP!!!!!!!! MY DUDE!!!!! Ashley is excited. I am scared. This was not what I was asking for. Do not sacrifice my poor baby Wells to the terror of Ashley. Not him. TAKE MY EYES BUT NOT WELLS!

Every single person on that beach is telling Wells to take Ashley on the date so that he can save Jared. They are basically asking him to sacrifice his safety/sanity/general wellbeing so that Jared can live happily ever after with Caila.

Ashley and Wells have a chat where they basically just compliment each other’s Instagram accounts. #2016

He gathers everyone, pulls out the date card, everyone begs into the camera that he ask Ashley, so Wells asks Ashley on the date. Everyone erupts in cheers, and the music playing is like a Disney princess was just rescued by her prince from the evil villain. Everyone is elated. It’s a celebration. Let us all rejoice! Champagne for all!

I am going to start fast-forwarding through all of the Jared and Caila scenes so if they are somehow your faves, sorry not sorry. Also please re-evaluate your life.

Wells and Ashley eat tacos, drink margs, and talk about Jared. I thought this shit was over. Girl needs to start answering questions about Jared with like 3-4 words MAX. Answer like you don’t care, and move on. Change the subject. Of course she doesn’t do that and she tells him some sad story and is scaring him away.

They talk about music and we learn that Ashley’s favorite band is Hanson. For some reason I am not surprised at all. I feel like Ashley still sleeps with stuffed animals and writes in her Lisa Frank journal from 6th grade.

A stray dog appears and Wells calls it over to give him some table scraps and to also melt the heart of every woman watching this show. In my favorite moment in Paradise history, Ashley starts asking the dog questions and Wells answers as if he is the dog in a cartoony voice. I am now dead. I laughed out loud and had to go back and watch it about 5 times. @Wells, u up?

They start sucking face and Ashley applauds him for not waiting forever to kiss her like he did with Jojo. Ashley needs to not insult the guy she is trying to date, but whatever.

Ashley and Wells light one of those lanterns like in Tangled where you make a wish and send it up into the sky. If the lantern doesn’t catch on fire or whatever, your wish is supposed to come true. Of course Ashley wished that she will be the future Mrs. Wells and is so excited to see their lantern rise into the sky and remain completely in tact. As soon as they walk away, though, the lantern bursts into flames. I am terrified to find out what that is foreshadowing. #prayersforwells

Back at the beach, Lace is coming undone and keeps flirting with other guys in front of Grant and going out of her way to make Handsome Squidward very angry. This is the Lace we have been waiting for!!!!!! Bring her out!!!!!

Watching her fight with Grant is making me feel bad for all the dudes out there that have dated girls like her. She is absolutely batshit insane. She did something sketchy and then got mad at him, and then pulls the whole “good luck finding someone else!” move that all the crazies do.

She pulls an Ashley and starts crying hysterically and none of this makes sense. This is the dumbest couple fight I have ever seen, and that says a lot. Girly pop needs to leave this beach and get herself into some intense therapy; I’m sure Ashley can give her a good recommendation.

Nick and Jen begin walking up the stairs to what I assume is the sexy time room because as soon as Josh notices them walking up there he yells over to them that he and Amanda are planning on sleeping there and they need to back off.

Jen tells him that Amanda told her she could sleep there, and Josh is all “nope” and makes up some excuse like he took a fan up there for the two of them blah blah blah.

Once again, Nick is cock-blocked by Josh. Jen goes to find Amanda to ask her what the deal is and she is passed the fuck out downstairs.

Josh talks shit to the producers about Nick for no reason, then goes and wakes up Amanda to basically shame her into not wanting to sleep with him. He is insane.

Josh: Are you not sleeping with me anymore?
Amanda: I don’t think so, I am so tired.
Josh: Ok good talk.

Josh goes to sleep in the boom boom room anyways, all alone, basically just to prevent Nick from sleeping in there with Jen. Stupid, stupid drama.

It’s Rose Ceremony time, with the girls handing out roses. If Daniel goes home, I quit.

Evan and Carly tell each other that they are “totally falling in love with other,” and somehow, I don’t throw up. It’s just very sad how low she has dropped her standards while on this show.

Daniel, in an effort to get a rose, brings out a giant platter for Twin 1 that consists of a shit ton of fried food, or as Twin 1 calls it, a well balanced meal. They feed each other dino nuggets and then Daniel moves onto the next available girl, Izzy.

Since she basically broke up with Vinny because she thought weird lamp guy was hot, Daniel whips out a lamp out of his own to try and win her over.

“I figured that since Izzy is into guys with lamps. I will just bring a bigger, better, more expensive lamp than him.” – Daniel

I know that Josh came onto this show as a way to repair his image after Andi’s book, but this has made me hate him. He has the worst attitude and smug little face ever, and I am not buying what he is selling. He got mad at Amanda for GOING TO SLEEP without running it by him first. That is a psycho move and only something that controlling psycho guys would get mad about.

The Twins are concerned for Amanda, so they grab Nick (because they love drama apparently) and want him to step in and “save” Amanda from big, bad, Josh. Nick has a great point that it makes no sense that Andi’s book would be “fiction” in regards to Josh, but it’s all true in regards to him. The horror movie music playing during this scene is making me fear that something very dramatic is about to happen, and I am not ready. Chug!

In my opinion, if the Twins want to warn Amanda about Josh, they should be the ones to do it. If she is their best friend as they keep claiming, wouldn’t they be the best ones to talk to her about her relationship? Not some dude she went out with one time and then dumped?

Lord Harrison appears through the sprits of Ashley’s dog in his dapper navy suit to prepare the roses. One guy will be going home. Pleasenotdanielpleasenotdanielpleasenotdaniel.

Carly to Evan ugh (wtf was Carly’s outfit? It offended me.)
Ashley to Wells and you can see Jared internally screaming with joy
Jen to Nick
Izzy to Lamp
Caila to Snaggletooth
Lace to Handsome Squidward
Amanda to Josh

Twin 2 calls Twin 1 up and they hold hands and start crying and say they have had enough of the free vacation and it’s not fair to hand out their roses soooo they are both going home. That means Daniel is going home. Which means I don’t want to continue watching this show.

But don’t worry! Before they pack their shit they need to stir the pot, so they call Amanda over to discuss her relationship. They warn her about the book shit, tell her people have seen his temper come out, and explain how the timing of his appearance on that show looks fishy. Meanwhile, evil Josh looks on watching the whole conversation like the controlling psycho that he is.

This whole scenario takes away the opportunity for us to say goodbye to Daniel, and I am PISSED. He just disappears. We don’t get to see him in the limo, we don’t get a goodbye, we get NOTHING.

Josh runs over to her and let’s her know that he is fed up that people keep talking about him. He gets angry and starts spewing bullshit about his dog having cancer and that he hasn’t been out of his house because he’s been dealing with that. Ummmmm before Josh came onto this show he was on a show called “Famously Single” on E!……….I watched one episode and well, his dog was not with him, so I will go ahead and call bullshit there, pal.

Josh “I don’t have a temper” Murray yells at the entire gang to come down to the beach and starts furiously bitching about how everyone keeps talking about him and saying he is ~not there for the right reasons~ and asks the “source” to come forward.

You can see the veins in his forehead protruding as he yells at them about being there for the right reasons. But don’t worry, he’s not an angry person. He is cool. Very chill. He is breezy.

Nick comes forward and says he doesn’t know if Josh is there for the right reasons. Ugh, not this again.

Josh thinks Nick is jealous and trying to ruin his relationship. He tells him he is holding a grudge. Nick goes right for it and tells him that the shit in Andi’s book about him is true, and that’s why he is doubting him. Josh just changes the subject. GUILTY!!!!!

“You better hope everything is good with me and Amanda” – Josh, who is definitely not threatening Nick and is very calm cool and collected.

I love that the whole time this argument is happening, Evan is standing by Nick as like his backup, waiting to jump in. Would have loved to see that go down.

You can tell that Josh was trying VERY hard to remain “calm” and to not go full Chad on Nick. It was obvious. It is also clear that this dude has some serious issues and that everyone is right.

Josh is a manipulative bro, and he is being exposed so he packs his bags and starts to leave. Amanda is the typical way too nice girl who is easily manipulated and Josh tells her to trust him and that’s it; she does and she is staying with him. Despite being warned 4 times by 4 different people.

Someone named Jami from Ben’s season shows up. Again, no idea who she is. She says she is hoping to meet Wells. Fuck.

She comes down the stairs and Wells is the only one awake so they are able to hit it off with no one else around. She immediately asks him on the date. He accepts. Everyone wakes up except for Ashley, so Wells isn’t able to talk to her before he leaves on the date. I am afraid.

Of course Ashley is the last person to wake up and Wells has already left for his date with Jami, and everyone is afraid to tell her. Nick steps up and tells her while everyone watches in suspense. Ashley says that’s fine and she doesn’t care………wait what??????? No crying??!?!?!

Wells and Jami are on their date, which is them riding a little 4-wheeler cart through the jungle or whatever to some water spring thing. They start to kiss, and I am now very worried because I am Team Ashley. I can’t watch her cry anymore; I need this to work for her.

Ashley resorts to her past ways (this lasted a good 12 hours) and starts talking about Jared again. She still doesn’t trust Caila. She still thinks she is Jared’s main chick. I am about to rip out my hair.

Caila and Ashley sit down for yet ANOTHER chat where Ashley tells her she isn’t bothered by her anymore and she’s not jealous— as long as Wells comes back and still likes her.

Caila tells her she doesn’t want to stay there because it’s impossible for her to continue her relationship with Jared as long as Ashley is there. She’s not wrong. She goes to tell Jared that she is leaving, and I hope he goes with her.

Fingers crossed!

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