Just when Jared thought he was going to get a happy ending and run off into the sunset with Caila, hurricane Ashley I. swoops into paradise to stir the (probably) herpes infested pot.
For those who did not watch this show last season, Ashley I. and Jared were a “couple” for a better part of the season. I will use the term “couple” very loosely, as Ashley I. was planning their wedding and morphing their faces together while Jared thought of ways to escape. She has been infatuated with him since he was on Kaitlyn’s season, went to Paradise just for him last summer, he dumped her, she cried for an entire year, and now she is back to try and get him to fall in love her. Again. Oh, and she’s a virgin.
Ashley tells Chris Harrison upon arrival that Jared is still one of her best friends, but she doesn’t want to be just friends so she’s there to win him over. After Paradise last year, they kept a “relationship” up where she claims they got to second base. Big news for Ashley. Jared has apparently shut her down over the last 5 months, and naturally, the only way for her to get his attention is to show up while he is on vacation. Great plan.
Ashley is known for crying every 30 seconds and tells our lord and savior, Chris Harrison, that she only wants to cry three times while she is there. In my mind I think “three times…a day…?”
Drinking game alert: drink every time Ashley cries tonight. Better call an Uber cause this bitch will have us all blackout in the first 10 min.
She arrives onto the beach, screams, “HI!! DON’T KILL ME!!” at Jared and the look on his face is more like “no, please kill ME.”
This scene reminds me of Forgetting Sarah Marshall when Peter shows up to Hawaii and Sarah asks him why he is there and he says, “I came here to murder you!” Except Ashley probably did go there to murder-suicide her and Jared if he has a girlfriend.
Ashley pulls Jared aside and grills him about who he has given his rose to, who he has gone on dates with, who is he hanging out with, etc., to which Jared tells her he has a thing with Caila. Her face can’t move because of all of the botox, but her eyes have turned to red flames and there is smoke coming out of her ears.
Twin 1 and Ashley get together for their daily I Love Jared fan club meeting, where of course, they just talk about Jared. Ashley cries. Drink.
It is revealed by Caila that Ashley told her she did not want her going to Paradise because she didn’t want her to meet Jared. Flash over to Ashley bawling hysterically saying that Caila told her Jared “wasn’t her type” and she would “never go for him.” Chicks, man. Drink.
Ashley is pacing up and down the beach, walking around the resort, talking to a producer about what to do and they edit this to look like she is talking to a bird instead. Classic.
Oh, she is also crying, so drink.
Caila and Ashley go talk at the bar, and Caila explains how she just had her date with Jared the previous day and didn’t know she was going to go to paradise and other bullshit. Ashley calls her out for the backstabbing, Caila apologizes, and Ashley cries. Drink.
JARED IS NOT HOT HE IS A RESTAURANT MANAGER WITH A SNAGGLE TOOTH AND A DAD BOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?! Someone. Please. Explain.
I will never, ever understand the appeal of Jared. Never.
Ashley cries to Jared on the beach about how she doesn’t want to find anyone else and just wants him. Drink. She wants to leave, and we all know Jared is thinking “probs for the best” but convinces her to take my dude Daniel on her date. Poor Daniel.
As Daniel poses on the beach, all of his abs exposed, Ashley pops up and asks him on her date.
Ashley reads the date card to him that says “Love requires sacrifices, your date is tonight.”
“I have no idea what these sacrifices could be!” – Ashley
“We could sacrifice….a new born calf…or something..” – Daniel
“Um, I’d have to not partake in that…” – Ashley
“Well I eat meat so I could do it.” – Daniel
Ashley goes to get a drink and you know Jorge the bartender got a good look at her and was like “great, this bitch again” and runs into the back to pound tequila shots by himself.
Everyone at the resort is talking about how fucked up this date is going to be, and I think it could be the best thing to happen since Chad.
“I’m kind of really excited about this. I’m not really sure what happens when you put an alien and a virgin together.” – Nick
Daniel and Ashley sit down to dinner on their date and he gets right to it and asks if she’s really a virgin. Typical first date question. Daniel, other than being sort of pervy, is actually fucking hilarious and charming and I think I love him. We do not deserve him, Bachelor Nation.
Apparently Ashley calls Jared her “boyfriend who doesn’t touch her,” and how Jared hasn’t gotten a protective order against this bitch is beyond me.
Daniel is being so sweet and understanding with Ashley. He is actually listening to her talk about Jared and their past and all of her clear psychological issues. Most likely, he is just trying to get into her pants to swipe that V card, but it seems very genuine and I actually love them together.
“The fact that she is a virgin is sort of a turn on…it makes me feel like I’m the right guy and maybe I could deflower this American beauty. Does she want Canadian sex? Does she want some Canadian bacon? With maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian sausage and bacon? Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine? I might get frisky here pretty quick. Real frisky.” – Daniel
The “sacrifice” referenced on the date card was that they are going to sacrifice as virgin. Some men in Aztec dress swoop in and steal Ashley, and once they disappear Daniel sits alone in silence and ACTUALLY EATS THE FOOD ON HIS PLATE! Never in the history of any Bachelor show have we ever seen the contestants eat the food on a date. Wow. This is a moment of history. Soak it in.
I just realized that we haven’t seen Amanda and Josh kissing once this entire episode. Thank you Ashley!!!!!!!!
The next morning Ashley is crying on the beach. Drink.
The island birds start going crazy, and we know what that means: someone is about to arrive annnnnnd here comes Jen from Ben’s season. I don’t remember her at all, but she’s hot. Nick has his high beams on as he checks her out, and he is clearly into it.
Daniel offers to pay her to take him on the date, but in Canadian dollars of course.
She picks Nick instead, and everyone claps for him. Poor thing, but I definitely hope he gets some tho.
Also just realized we haven’t seen Evan once this episode, making this the best episode yet.
Nick and Jen get to go out on a yacht for their date, which is a definite step up from Nick’s last date at the margarita festival. They talk about dolphin sex. K.
I spoke too soon. Back on the island we see Evan in the back of an ambulance, smirking, because he considers this a “date” with Carly because she is in the ambulance with him. Apparently something is wrong with his ANKLES? So they have to put him in an ambulance, draw blood, and take him to a hospital? Seems extreme.
He is being wheeled into a hospital via stretcher, but don’t worry, he is still hopeful. And rightfully so, as Carly expresses that she now she sees him in a different light and is like, into him. I just puked.
Ashley is back at the resort, crying in bed. Drink.
Caila is literally just standing there watching Ashley cry. It is savage as fuck.
We get to the rose ceremony with the guys handing them out this time. There are only three minutes left of this episode right now, so the likelihood of actually seeing roses is slim. Here comes drAammAaaaaAA!
Caila smiles too much and you can’t trust people like that. She is literally sitting there talking shit about Ashley with a shit eating grin on her face; it’s mental. No one is that happy and cheerful all the time. No one.
Ashley is screaming at Nick about how much she likes Jared and how upset she is that Caila showed up and stole him. He tells her this isn’t love, but it is infatuation, and that she will never be with him. Which is some truth tea, I tell ya.
“This isn’t love.” –Nick
“YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT!!” –Ashley
“Yeah I can. It’s not.” – Nick
She starts crying. Drink.
Jared grabs her and they chat about how it isn’t fair to him that she is acting this way, how she is ruining his chances at finding love there with Caila, and how she should probably just move on…
She starts crying. Drink.
Honestly, Jared just needs to cut this bitch off so she gets it. He is only making it worse by remaining friendly with her and making her think there could be a chance. Homie is leading her on and it needs to stop.
Ashley now says she went to paradise so she could get over him. Makes sense. Go to the island where Jared is to get over Jared. Got it.
Previews for next week show Caila on a date with someone who is not Jared, so maybe Ashley has a chance?
I don’t know about you guys, but I finished an entire bottle of wine. Hope you called an Uber!.
Image via John Naffziger