This is a cautionary tale. Not one you should take lightly. Through every young man or woman’s life, they face adversity. The type of adversity that changes them – inside and out – forever. History, while not kind to those affected, cannot be scrubbed of this tale or others like it.
A long time ago (read: 2014) on a lake far far away (read: Lake Michigan), a young man made a grave mistake. With a stomach full of alcohol, a sunburned forehead, and windblown hair that would make even Captain Ron envious, he took to the high seas with an iPhone in his pocket. While pushing off from the dock, he decided it to be prudent to stall for just a few seconds. But during that stall, his world came crumbling down.
As it turns out, holding onto a dock while a large boat begins departing the port is a bad idea – even more so when your feet are firmly planted on said boat. Before you know it, your body acts as a bride between the dock and the boat, only with less structural integrity than an actual fucking bridge. And once that bridge breaks, everything becomes fully submerged into the water. Your shirt, your shorts, your sunglasses, and yes, your phone. Everything.
But it is not what happens to you – it’s how you react to it. This, my friends, is exactly how not to react.
Do not use quinoa instead of rice in hopes of recovering it.
Or cauliflower rice. Or zoodles. Or pretty much anything that isn’t a bag of fucking rice.
Sure, at the time, it feels like a good idea. And yeah, when you’re too drunk to drive to the store and all you have in your pantry is a box of quinoa, you might justify it in your head and think it’s a good idea. But it’s not, and there’s a high chance you’re doing more damage to your phone than good by letting it sit for 24 hours in the most basic of sides. Quinoas are for taboulis; not for phone repair.
Do not put it in the microwave.
Would you put your t-shirt in a microwave when your washing machine is on the fritz? Didn’t think so. In theory, sure, a microwave should dry that thing right out of the lake water that just infiltrated it at a rapid clip. But it doesn’t, because water doesn’t just disappear when you toss it in the microwave. Like when you’re trying to heat up some Earl Grey tea to jumpstart your morning and you’re too hungover to heat it up in a kettle, you toss that mug in the microwave. Unsurprisingly, it just heats the water up rather than making it fucking disappear. I’m no Albert Einstein, but just feels like boiling the water in your phone is counterproductive.
Do not tell the truth to Apple Store geniuses.
“I have no idea what happened,” you tell them before they explain to you that it appears to have water damage. But when you counter with, “That’s literally impossible – I wasn’t tossing back Patio Pounders on a pontoon boat last weekend at all. And I definitely didn’t drop my phone in the water while I was drinking said Patio Pounders. Promise.”
Next thing you know, you’ve got Danny heading to the back to talk shit about you because he knows you’re lying. But maybe, just maybe, you catch Danny on a good day and he throws you a bone in the form of a new iPhone. You, at the very least, have a better chance of getting a new phone than you would if you tell the truth. The second you admit that you gave your shattered iPhone 6 the water treatment, it’s the Apple Store equivalent of telling Tom Cruise that you ordered the code red.
Do not buy a LifeProof case for your new phone.
The first thing people will tell you after you lose your phone to the lake is that you should invest in a LifeProof case. But I’m telling you right here and right now that you absolutely cannot stoop to that level.
A LifeProof case not only ruins your personal aesthetic but screams, “I can’t afford a new iPhone” which is just an all-around awful look. Clunky and downright passè, LifeProof cases do more damage to your personal brand than water does to your actual phone.
Do not plug it in when there is rice stuck in the charging port.
Can you imagine what kind of imbecile you’d have to be in order to plug your phone into a wall charger with rice still stuck in the charging port, thus rendering the entire charger useless? Like, what kind if fool thinks that his phone is dead from water damage when, in reality, it’s just not charging because there’s a brick wall of rice blocking it from the electric waves required to make your shit work.
Man, if I could tell that kid back in 2014 how dumb he was for pulling this stunt, I would really give him an earful.
But that kid was me.
And the phone was plugged into the same wall for 30 days.
And he carried around a notebook with people’s phone numbers in it, bumming other people’s phones off them at bars in order to make calls like he was bumming a cigarette.
But at least he had fun drinking all those Patio Pounders. .