About a month ago, I sustained an injury that required surgery (sup ladies?). Due to the fact that I live in New York and walking is somewhat of a thing here, commuting to the office is a no go for your boy. But seeing as I’m a company man and #business doesn’t have an injured reserve list, I am working from home for the foreseeable future. I have discovered that spending this much time in your own apartment, on a couch, with access to cable TV and unlimited snacks can change a man. Here’s a little glimpse into what my life has been like and take it as a PSA for those of you who romanticize this lifestyle that I’ve recently fallen into.
You Will Gain Weight
And lots of it. While I wasn’t exactly slender before my injury, I kept it at a respectable level of grossness as to not completely repulse those around me. But now shit has gone off the rails. Hard. In the beginning, I tried to fight off the impending expansion of my waistline, but it was inevitable. The little to no movement and a wardrobe consisting of nothing but gym shorts for over a week gives you false sense of security while ordering your second lunch of the day from Seamless.
You Will Grow To Like Shitty TV Shows
This isn’t exactly a hot take because we all know daytime TV is garbage. It does something to you over an extended period of time, though. Slowly, it chips away at how you interpret the word “quality” and begins to warp whatever little taste you had to begin with. Before this little endeavor, I considered that thought only a myth, ancient folklore, if you will. But that was only until I came out of a three-hour Brooklyn Nine-Nine binge giggling like a schoolgirl at the zaniness of Andy Samberg. Consider yourselves warned.
You Will Consider Bathing To Be Optional
I currently have a cast on my leg and for me to even consider getting into the shower, I have to wrap myself in garbage bags like an obese 12-year-old at fat camp. Which is way more effort than I put into anything in my life. So because of that, I’m going on day five of the no-shower life and can actually smell myself but still have no aspirations to bathe, despite my lady friend’s dire requests. When you have medical clearance to not go into the outside world, personal hygiene loses its luster real quick.
You Will Try To Test Your “Stamina”
The male readers know what I’m talking about with this one. Remember when you were in high school and you tried to “go the distance” while you were home sick? Well, when you’re 25 and are on more Percocet than a Long Island housewife on Saturday afternoon, it doesn’t work out quite as well. A lot of sweating, grunting, pleading and eventual crying. There is no shame quite like poor self-performance as a 25-year-old man.
You Will Start To See Work As An Unnecessary Burden
“How dare Stephanie from Accounting ask me to send her that quarterly revenue breakout? I gotta watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine and crack stick.”
For real, though, you forget the fact that you have actual work to do and begin to resent that your coworkers are asking you to do your job. Every time a new task is assigned to me I start cursing the unspeakable on whatever coworker had the gall to interrupt the lovely day I had previously been having.
You Will Begin to Dread It All Ending
As of right now, I have probably three weeks to a month left of solitude in my shame cave and am already getting anxiety thinking about stepping back into that hell hole that I call my place of business. When the clock hit’s 6:30 and business hours have ended, I know that I’m just one day closer to going back to the rat race. .
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