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Everyone Needs Big Game Undies

Everyone Needs Big Game Undies

I’ve never been one for superstitions, though I used to be kind of superstitious back in high school with wrestling. Same way I dehydrated myself, same way I never ate the night before a weigh-in, same pre-match rituals, and same way I dominated squids. The one thing I never really cared about, though, was what I wore under my singlet. Some dudes always had their lucky pair of compression shorts. Me? I mixed it up. Gave love to the whole repertoire. And it’s probably why I didn’t win a state title.

Years later, I’m older and wiser (and without the abs of a wrestler), and I really wish I’d been more superstitious in the underwear department. But these days, I’m not competing, so I don’t really need a pair of lucky underwear. With that said, I have a pair I call my “big game undies” and I think it’s imperative everyone have at least one go-to set of underwear that when they put ‘em on, they know they feel like the sultan of swat, the king of crash, the colossus of clout.

I’ve got a pair of Versace boxer briefs that are the most champagne taste thing I own. No male should have a $60 pair of underwear. And don’t start with that #humblebrag shit, because I picked mine up at TJ Maxx for like $11, because I guess they were from the previous year’s “season” (I guess underwear has seasonal styles?) But if anyone pulls off my jeans and sees me in them (maybe lightning will strike twice), they won’t know that it cost me less than a glass of Malbec. They might be impressed, they might think I’m Lord of the Douches (for sure), but I won’t care, mostly because I feel invincible in my big game undies.

I’m not trying to be obnoxious when I wear them. It’s just that when I do choose select them out of the dresser to protect Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids, I feel unstoppable. I feel like I’m wearing something Bieber would wear. Whether you’re a wicked confident person or not, sometimes you just need that little pick me up, that extra oompf, to make you feel like you’re cranked up to eleven. Put them on and have the confidence to take the world head on. Stare down the barrel of the 2017 gun and flip it the bird.

Nervous about a big date? Shower up, towel off, grab your big game undies, and charm her damn pants off. Maybe you’ll catch a glimpse of her big game undies. The pre-date jitters won’t stand a chance. Got a big job interview? You’ll be comfortable AF knowing you’ve got on undies that would impress the CEO. You don’t need to imagine the room naked, just imagine yourself naked, sporting your big game undies, standing tall like Kramer in the Calvin Klein office. “His buttocks are sublime.”

Look, sometimes life gets the best of you. It wears on ya, and we’ve all been in that spot where we just want to hit snooze, blast the work squad that three letter email (“WFH”) we all wish we could do when we just DGAF. Do what your boy does. Put on a song that is pure heat auditory cocaine, get your ass up and moving, and reach for those big game undies. You’ll walk out the door with so much swagger, feelin’ one hunit emoji, and ready to kick ass. People are going to wonder how many lines you blew on your way to work. It’s all in the power of the big game undies.

PS – Man Outfitters has some pretty sweet options for Big Game Undies. Check ‘em out, support the team.

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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