Enterprising College Student Will Fix Your Essay So Your “Shit Doesn’t Suck”

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I made a decent amount of extra booze money in college writing papers for people. In fact, pretty much all of my friends who were half decent wordsmiths did. The act of writing/editing essays for lazy/stupid people is nothing new, but putting up a sign in public advertising your services certainly is, which is what Caroline did. Caroline is my new favorite person. Check this shit out.

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Caroline’s smart. She never says that she’ll write your paper for you, only that she will sit with you and help fix it, which in this case is just an advanced form of tutoring, with extra obscenities thrown in for free. The cat picture is what really sends this whole thing into orbit for me, because that feline has the eyes of a Vietnam vet who’s stared into the void so long that the void finally stared back at him.

Here’s the full text:

Did your high school’s English department suck balls, leaving you unprepared to fend for yourself in college? Or do you just suck at English to begin with? Good news! I kick ass at English, and, that aside, my high school was basically a football team with an English apartment! Bring me a triple-spaced rough draft of your shitty paper and some cash money/PayPal at the ready, and we can sit down together (ideally within earshot of a printer) while I hemorrhage ink all over whatever crap you brought me to fix. Occasionally I’ll turn to you and be like, “Dude, you just made a statement without backing it up. Back up the bullshit you spew. Isn’t this supposed to be a persuasive essay? Persuade me, damnit. With actual fucking facts.” Or, “Ok, so, this right here? That’s like saying ‘the ball was thrown by the people’ instead of ‘the people threw the ball.’ Do you understand how stupid that sounds?”

I’ll charge you $15 an hour for the time I could’ve better spent on my ass doing nothing instead of bleeding all over your awful fucking paper in the ink color of your choice. Additionally, I will not be able to save your bitch ass on Wednesdays. My big girl physics homework is due at 8 in the goddamn morning on Thursdays, so I won’t have time for your garbage. The same goes for any time past 9 pm because that’s when my meds wear off. (I am also not this mean in real life, given that you (are not) an insufferable douchebag. And, yes, that is a real picture of my cat and me.)

Whoever posted the picture smartly left off Caroline’s contact info so that dumb internet guys living across the country wouldn’t spam her email asking for dates. But speaking as a dumb internet guy living halfway across the country, I’d really appreciate it if someone would send me her contact info so I can spam her email and ask for a date.

[via Imgur]

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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