People make mistakes. One time, I woke up after St. Patrick’s Day with a receipt in my pocket from a ski lodge bar that said I had spent $250. I wasn’t sure whether or not that receipt was truthful, if I overtipped, or if the bartender took advantage of all of us because we were three sheets to the wind. But what I did know was that all I wanted to do was take it back. Unfortunately, getting your drunk nights back isn’t as easy as flip-flopping when you make a mistake in a column that exists solely on the internet.
Fortunately for Elite Daily, they did just that. Not long ago, I brought to light the severe mistakes Elite Daily had made when describing how to cure your Sunday Scaries. I didn’t totally blame them for their ignorance; not everyone can be an expert like I am. But I did express that you’d be making some grave mistakes if you followed their guidelines. Luckily for all of us, they’ve honed back on their stance by writing a column that actually does give good advice.
Step 1: If you’re not currently in your bed, evacuate the premises immediately.
In this piece of advice, they’re telling you to get the hell out of dodge if you wake up in the inhabitance of your drunken hookup. The best way to do this? Still be hammered and call an Uber while they’re still passed out. The last thing you want to do is start your day with an uncomfortable conversation that leaves you stirred until you pour yourself a glass of wine at 7 p.m. to ease the pain.
Step 2: Shower. Seriously, do it.
As an advocate of taking multiple showers a day, this step is most important on Sundays after a long weekend of bars, patios, and sleeping in other people’s sheets.
There’s a Sunday phenomenon that sets in if you head directly to your couch and decide not to move after a night out – The Sunday Stinks. I, myself, have described these as such: the act of sweating on a Sunday, normally due to severe exhaustion and alcohol intake from the previous weekend; also known as Sweatin’ & Regrettin’.
If you’re going to treat your body like a landfill from Friday at five until Sunday at 2 a.m., make sure you don’t smell like a landfill come Sunday afternoon. The easiest way to feel bad about yourself is to be the smelly kid in class. Or, in this case, your apartment.
Step 3: Eat something.
Me? Not a huge hangover eater. I know, I know – brunch is the greatest meal of them all. Unfortunately, as much good as a big meal of food will do you for you, you can’t overdo it for fear of being bloated and full for the rest of the day. You need to eat slowly and intentionally to make sure you don’t go too big before your big day on the couch. After all, you’re already concerned about the state of your body after you’ve devastated it with drunk pizza and hoppy beers all weekend, so the last thing you want to do is drink a gallon of hollandaise sauce.
But if you do? At least know that your diet starts Monday.
Step 4: Erase all evidence ASAP.
Your first piece of action is to go to your Snapchat story and make sure your coworkers aren’t watching you drunkenly attempt to sing a Drake song while on the dancefloor of a club that closes at five in the morning.
Your second move is to squint your eyes just enough so that you can ready who you texted but not what you texted, and delete anything skeptical in your iMessage inbox. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to the artform of drunk texting.
Third? Take to your email and ensure you didn’t get any emails about abnormal charges to your bank account. Whether you bought too much shit at the bar and spent triple-figs or someone stole your card and went on a spending spree at Wal-Mart, you need to know if you majorly fucked up over the weekend. No weird emails and all your cards are in your possession, though? Don’t even think about checking that bank account. You’ll know why I say that if you disobey this on rule.
Step 5: Put on a movie.
When you’re max-chilling in your Panic Room, there’s no better way to tame or amplify your Scaries than with a movie. Whether it’s on in the background as some noise to make you avoid your miserable thoughts, or it’s on to distract you from your disaster of a life, movies are key when trying to tune out your inner demons.
Step 6: Pour yourself a mimosa.
Whether you’re at brunch with your friends or sneaking in a beer while shopping at Whole Foods, we all know what the best detox is: retox. Say it again with me – “The best detox is retox.” Alright, good, you’ve got the hang of this.
At the end of the day, you just need the line-up. Now, everyone has their own line-up, but mine is as follows: ice water with lemon, coffee, mimo. Some sub in a coke or a bloody, but a line-up will instantly change your hangover into a manageable bottle flu. And when 8 o’clock rolls around? Bust out your favorite glass or Tervis and pour yourself a glass of wine. You deserve it.
(Plus, you can just pretend it’s grape juice because it is.)
For their complete explanations of their 6-step process, head over to Elite Daily. .
[via Elite Daily]
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