Don’t Try To Pick Up Chicks On The Train: A Story

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Don't Try To Pick Up Chicks On The Train: A Story

I don’t mean to hate on all the players out there, but I’ve always believed that one of the tenants of public train etiquette should be “Don’t hit on women on the train during rush hour.” Mainly because I can’t envision a scenario where that is ever a good idea. The train is either blazing hot or bitterly cold with limited ventilation, it’s jam-packed with freaks from all walks of life, and everyone feels like shit from either just waking up in the morning or finally getting out of a long, awful day of work in the evening. No one wants to interact with anyone, much less have to take in the romantic overtures of a stranger.

Recently though, I had the pleasure of sharing a train ride home from work with someone who doesn’t abide by those conventions. He rolled onto the train with his roving pack of fellow sales bros and smelled blood in the water (Along with sweat, farts, and all the other unsavory scents that grace your olfactory system on this godforsaken train). Romeo looked half-way across the train and saw his Juliet: a pretty brunette girl, expressionless face, headphones in, and scrolling through her phone. Where most people just see another pissed off train passenger, this smooth operator saw true love. Stand back and let this player play, everyone.

No literally, stand back because this douchebag wants to make his way across a crowded train to hit up the ladies.

Rico Suave zeroes in on his target and approaches her. She still has her her headphones in and is intently staring at her phone screen, which we all recognize as an obvious mating call and social cue for every guy on the train to come talk to her. Fortunately for the hero of our story, no competition stands in his way because the rest of the guys on the train are a bunch of betas incapable of talking to females. How could we possibly compete with him, anyway? Just a minute ago he was establishing his dominance on the train by yelling with his bros about how he totally crushed some sales earlier in the day. The rest of us look on in awe as this alpha takes over the situation.

He attempts to initiate conversation and is promptly ignored. Undeterred, he presses on. She finally acknowledges him and shows all the interest of Stevie Wonder at a mime performance. This totally not-awkward-at-all exchange continues for the next two or three agonizing minutes, which in train time translates to approximately an eternity in hell. Finally, the train reaches the next stop. Sensing an escape, the woman completely brushes by this guy and gets off the train. Chances that this was her actual stop: zero percent.

Well done, dude. That was about as smooth as sandpaper. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done thoroughly creeping that chick off the train. But hey, not only did you force conversation upon this poor girl, but she made brief contact with you while running away from you off the train! That’s practically considered touching her! Nice work.

The lesson here: don’t hit on women on public transit. You have all night at the bar to show off your unique ability to scare women away, so do it there. And certainly don’t maneuver your way across a crowded train to do it. Just sit/stand there and accept the fate of your miserable, lonely existence like the rest of us. The train will be a better place for it.

Image via YouTube

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