This may not be in line with much of the crap I’ve spewed so far, but let me preach for a moment: wake up and smell the roses. Yeah, you read that right. We may be cube curators and unwitting cogs in the machine to make lots of other people rich, but there are still some really glorious moments of our existence. No, I’m not talking about getting to a job you actually enjoy or getting engaged or something like that. I really just can’t preach to any of that whatsoever. However, I have learned to appreciate the little day-to-day things that lower my cortisol levels even just the slightest bit.
Since I’m supposed to record every hour of my day, and since I’m always supposed to be doing something, I’ve found creative ways to circumvent using the word “nothing.” There’s always something to be organized, though, right? When I actually do have a plethora of work-related activities within the same time frame, my near-pristine desk gets a little helter skelter. Getting that gray cube spick and span can bring more happiness than you’d expect. Just empty your hole punch, I dare you. I actually smiled when I did. Sweet Jesus, someone please tell me there’s an end in sight.
Getting Out Of An Assignment
This very rare event is the closest I’ve ever come to believing in God. As the lowest minions around, it’s natural that the shittiest projects fall into our lap. It’s the nature of the hierarchy, just like carrying the ball bag and water as a freshman. You suck it up and do it, but when someone sends you an email with seemingly contradictory instructions and then soon after retracts it for whatever reason, relish it. Reread that cancellation email over and over again. In fact, go ahead and print it out. Stick it on your wall right next to the street meat cart menu.
I think we all know climate change is a glorious, giving power here on Earth. Don’t believe me? Well, those two or three days when we had ADULT snow days say you’re wrong. I’m not exactly sure how it works in Tornado Alley or hurricane susceptible areas, but they have to let you off, too, right? Seems like those might be slightly more serious threats than a slippery 12 mph commute.
Although there is no way you can swing this all the time, it’s definitely something to keep in your arsenal of “In case of attempted swan dive off the roof, employ these features.” Go get your hair cut, or schedule a manicure or a massage, or go to lunch and drink and then buy some gum. I go to the chiropractor once a week where my doctor adjusts me for four minutes and then massages me for 30. It’s a real thing–it does exist. Whatever it is, do it on your lunch hour and don’t feel bad about it one damn bit. No one even knows your name, let alone that you work at the same company. They certainly aren’t going to notice if you just had a quick rub and tug on your break. Anyone asks? You had an “appointment.” That insinuates medicinal things and I’m, like, 70 percent sure it’s illegal for coworkers to ask about your health. I just made that up.
Solo Elevator Ride
If you work in a building with more than, like, five floors, I KNOW you feel me on this one. Thank fuck for the elevator news TV tablet thing. For some reason, I just think it’s obnoxious to be staring at my phone in the elevator while I’m surrounded by my superiors, but damn, if I had to make conversation with them, I’d be fired before getting to the eleventh floor. Obviously the solution to this is the semi-rare but always-coveted solo ride. Enjoy it. Soak it up. I use this time to pick my wedgies and pull out my headphones, just in case someone can overhear R. Kelly when I get to my desk. Also here’s a good trick to ensure you don’t acquire visitors on your way up or down: press the floor button and the “close door” button at the same time and it will (should) bring you directly to the floor you chose. This is what firefighters and police officers use in cases of emergency, so if this is actually illegal, you didn’t hear it from me.