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Don’t Fool Yourself, Sick Days Actually Suck

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Last Monday night, I puked my guts out until about four in the morning. I know that’s kind of a gross way to start a column, but it’s the truth. No, I wasn’t sick because I drank too much watching Monday Night Football. I actually had the flu. Rogue bacteria had invaded my body and were wreaking havoc on my immune system. Probably because one of my disgusting coworkers didn’t wash their hands.

When I woke up Tuesday, I couldn’t even stand upright without feeling like I was going to blow chunks, so I called in sick to my office. It took me about two hours to realize that sick days suck, and they suck for five very distinct reasons.

Your boss will not believe you.

You really can’t blame your boss for being skeptical about your illness. Just look at it from his perspective. You are a young person in decent health. What are the odds that you are actually sick in comparison to just being hangover? The odds are pretty low. Because of that when you call him to tell you that you won’t be coming in today, he is going to question the shit out of you.

Your friends won’t believe you.

I was surprised by this one. The day I was sick, just about every coworker under the age of 30 texted my and asked what I did last night. For the same reasons your boss doesn’t believe you neither will your friends. If you’re sick, you just have to deal with people not believing that you are.

You are not prepared.

Do you remember when you use to get sick as a kid, and your mom had soup and medicine already for you? Yeah, you don’t live with her anymore and those days are long gone. Odds are right now the only thing you have in your apartment is beer, whisky and moldy leftovers; none of which are helpful for when you are sick, unless you believe in the type of medicine that was practiced by rum pirates in the late 1800s. To actually get the supplies you need you are going to have to drag your ass to the grocery store and buy the crap you need. Let me tell you dealing with the three year olds that run around the soup aisle at 10 in the morning really is a pain when you feel like you are going to die.

You still have to work.

Thanks to the Internet you are no long bond to the office to do your job, but also thanks to the beauty of the internet, you still have to work, no matter how sick you are. A lot of my friends like this, because it cuts into the load they will have to do when they get back; I however hate this. When I am sick I just want to sleep and watch Steven Seagal movies on Netflix. I don’t want to work. I want street justice.

You are still sick.

I hate being sick. I would much rather be punched the face by Mike Tyson circa 1991 then be sick for a week. When you are sick you can’t do crap, you just lie around and feel like shit. That’s not fun. Honestly, the next time I’m sick I think I’ll just come up with creative ways to torture myself.

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