I love the word “douchebag,” because while it’s a great insult (#2 on my personal rankings), it’s so versatile. Such a cutting remark. A douchebag can be a tool. A douchebag can be an asshole. A douchebag can be anything that your mind wants it to be. There are so many various tiers and limbs on the Tree of Douche that I can go on forever. There’s the rich douche, the hipster douche, Adam Levine, the sarcastic douche, and that brings me to my personal favorite type of douche: The Bryce Harper douche.
Douchebag In Question: Bryce Harper
Occupation: Outfielder for the Washington Nationals
Real Life Equivalent: Even if you don’t know who the hell Bryce Harper is (he’s one of the best young talents in baseball), you sure as hell have seen him and probably rolled your fucking eyes at him. This is the type of person that calls themselves a “fitness nut” but only participates in tough mudders, CrossFit (“bro, check out my delts”) and tries to convince you to do this type of shit with them. Back in college, they were the head of Phi Beta Natty Light but only used it to “fuck bitches” who wouldn’t hop off their dick.
Their Claimed Interests: Loitering at GNC, the condom aisle of any convenience store, lifting, saying the word “pussy.”
Their Actual Interests: Loitering at GNC, hanging in the condom aisle of any convenience store, lifting, saying the word “pussy” and Rock Star energy drinks.
How They Are More Successful Than You: Fuck these assholes. To afford supplements, memberships and to participate in tough mudders, you need some cash under you. These guys are all upper-middle class, suburban white males who fucking love it. They are well-connected, always meet someone at their lift sessions and end up being way more wealthy than you’ll ever be for some unknown reason.
Other Fun Facts: Still listens to Odd Future on a daily basis (yes, people still do that) and will inevitably use the word “swag” one too many times in a conversation. They idolize Arnold Schwarzenegger and probably think that their Facebook statuses can double as inspirational quotes. Will Instagram pictures of just them in a tank top and use the phrase “guns” without a shred of irony. Somewhat into tanning but not enough to be a different kind of douchebag. They believe their personal life sponsor is Oakley’s and they also think they are car bros because they know what nitrous is. They think AXE commercials were based off them.