I’ll never forget the day I got my first paycheck. No, I’m not talking about the couple hundred bucks I got cleaning up rich assholes’ half-eaten chicken carcasses when I was 16. I’m talking about the first big check I got when I traded textbooks and kegs for a cubicle and a Netflix subscription. It took some strong convincing in order for me to not blow every last dime of that check in an alcohol fueled casino or strip club frenzy. Thank God, because cue the rent, bills, and Uncle Sam’s inevitable cut. I realized this paycheck was far from the staggering amount of postgrad plunder I thought I had.
I know I’m not alone. I’m sure many of you have come to the crushing realization that it’s going to be a long time before the days of no longer having to live paycheck to paycheck. But have you ever wondered how you stack up against everyone else? Maybe that lady down the hall whose cube is littered with pictures of her 20 cats? Or Oprah, perhaps? Well, you’re in luck! The fine folks at WhatsMyPercent.com created a tool that allows for just that. Be warned: the results are disturbing.
How it works, basically, is you simply type your yearly income into the calculator. Then, the site will show you into which percentile your income falls. In addition, the site allows you to choose filters for marital status and it also provides statistical breakdowns for factors such as age, gender, education, and so on. If you want to get really ballsy, head to the celebrity page to see how you compare to some of America’s wealthiest and most well-known celebrities. I’m not talking some two-bit reality TV show star’s type of money, either–I’m talking the “I’d consider selling my family into the underground world of sex trafficking just to have that kind of cash” type of money.
Now, because I’m such a good guy, I went ahead and compared my annual income against some of these top earners–you know, for entertainment’s sake. While I won’t disclose exactly how much I pull in, I will tell you that it takes Tom Brady exactly nine hours, 19 minutes, and 30 seconds to rake in what I make in a whole year.
Yep, you read that correctly.
Think that’s bad? Oprah earns my yearly salary in a mere 59 minutes and 48 seconds. So go ahead, use WhatsMyPercent.com’s free calculator and see where you stand. If nothing else, you’ll learn that it might not be a bad idea to start brushing up on your pigskin tossing skills, or to try your hand at a presidential run. It’s not like you’ll have much to lose, man.
Watch out, Winfrey. I’m gunning for you.