You people better be fucking grateful for the kind of effort I’m putting forth on a Friday. A new Gil and now the Dimebag. You should be so thankful. I’m about to go all Hollywood Hogan here. Full heel turn. No more power moves. No more Gil. No more NOTHING, brother.
Let me tell ya somethin’, Mean Gene…I’ll answer this mail for all the pieces of trash who came to read it and that’s it.
JK. I love doing the mailbag because I LOVE THE ATTENTION. Let’s do it.
Long-time listener, first time caller.
I’m in my early 20s and have been somewhat hesitant to embrace social media. While I do use Facebook–mainly to laugh at the people I went to high school with–I don’t have a Twitter or Instagram account. Am I missing out? Is it too late for me to get into the game? Thoughts.
What better time than the present, Willie? It’s never too late and I gotta tell you, you’re missing out on so much. Instagram is awesome (be sure to follow @TFMGirls so you can resent your perfectly adequate significant other for not being a nineteen-year-old Instagram femdouche) and is almost a must-have at this point. Twitter has gone a little bit downhill with the rise of its popularity, but I still love it. If you follow the right people, Twitter is awesome. I got into Twitter to follow along with Kansas City Royals games and in an odd way, it probably led me to getting this job with Grandex and PGP. Just don’t go into it thinking it’ll make you famous or that your opinion will matter any more than it does now.
It’s never too late. Just don’t forget to throw me a follow because I value my self-worth in Twitter followers and retweets.
I met a guy on Tinder, and he actually turned out to not be a serial killer be a pretty swell fellow. Things started to work out over belligerent tailgate trips to our alma matter during football season, and we’ve been in a committed thing since New Years. He’s wonderful: smart; motivated; sexy; gainfully employed; etc. The stuff you bring home to mom and pop.
I’m currently underemployed at a job that I hate took to gain professional experience. I start law school this fall, and will be moving two hours away. He has expressed a starling level of commitment, and indicated that he is not only ay-okay with a L.D.R., but also intends to put a ring on it.
Here’s the catch: I’m afraid he is going to try to anchor baby me, thus preventing me from going back to school. He keeps joking about it, but I’m not one hundred percent sure he’s joking. I’ve made a point to be the one buying the prophylactics. Also, he keeps emailing me postings for jobs that would keep me local.
Here are my questions: 1) Do guys knock-up to lock-up? 2) Am I overreacting?
Thank you for that detailed backstory. If a guy is actively trying to knock you up, he’s definitely trying to lock you down. If it happens on accident, so be it. We’re all adults. Shit happens. If he’s openly joking about it and refusing to buy condoms, you should be able to solve the equation in your head without having to show the work. He’s trying to make a baby salad in your uterus.
What’s the course of action? Pretty simple. Have a sit-down with your man and ask him where you see this relationship going in the next five years. If “BABIES” is the first thing he says, then it’s pretty obvious that he’s trying to actively sabotage your plans for law school by putting a baby in you. As someone who dates someone who is baby/wedding/marriage-obsessed, the best thing you can do for yourself is to be open and honest about the timelines you see for yourself and to have your personal goals laid out in black and white. Let him know that just because you’re going off to law school, it doesn’t mean anything is going to change. You’re not overreacting.
What’s your go-to jukebox pick?
I always go Motown or ’80s right off the bat. “Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher” by Jackie Wilson is a personal favorite. I don’t go for crowd-pleasers. I stick with personal preference. It’s my money.
What is the greatest opening credits scene to any ’80s movie?
I certainly know which is the greatest closing credits scene in the history of cinema. My guy Sunday Scaries agrees with me. Dan Aykroyd killing it at the end of The Great Outdoors to some Wilson Pickett is poetry in motion. But for the opening scene? I know it’s the ultimate cliché “bro” pick, but Top Gun is an all-timer. The buildup to “Danger Zone” gets my adrenaline going every time and it perfectly sets up the movie. Can’t think of a better one, so I’m not gonna go for the upset here. Top Gun. The opening to Three Men and a Baby is a good one, too. I just want to have an apartment like Tom Selleck’s at some point in my life.
Brian, What’s love like?
-Kyle in Houston
I’m dating a she-devil, so I wouldn’t know. And I’m not picking on love, because I don’t think friendship exists, either.
I’m looking into going to grad school at your alma mater. I went to Iowa State for undergrad. What’s Columbia like?
Columbia, Missouri, is a soul-crushing, depressing, ugly interstate town full of alcoholics and Walmart heirs and I fucking love it. Mizzou is a perfect university for undergrad, but as for grad school? Everyone I know who stayed around after graduation ended up hating their life. Now, whether that was caused by the city or grad school remains to be seen. However, compared to Ames, Columbia might as well be Chicago.
I want to get a dog but I don’t think I can afford it. What do I do?
Don’t get a fucking dog..
If you have any questions you’d like answered in next week’s DIMEBAG, email them to me at email@example.com.