DIMEBAG: How Long Is Too Long For Long-Distance Relationships?

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Friday. Let’s answer some mail.

Hey Bri,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. His company recently gave him a promotion to move to their headquarters in Chicago. It was a no-brainer for him to accept, and its been a few months since he’s moved. When is the appropriate time to say “no more” to a long distance relationship and commit to moving up there? Do I pick up my life here and move without a ring on the finger?

My friends and family have all given very different answers, so I figured I would go to you for advice on a classic PGP.

Can’t fault a guy for taking a promotion, because money is fucking awesome. After two years of dating, the two of you should have a pretty good idea of where this thing is headed. Relocating is such a gigantic commitment that there needs to be an ironclad agreement in place that you aren’t just going to uproot your life and follow him wherever without some sort of commitment on his end. You’ll look like a sucker in that scenario. You gotta start grilling your boy about commitment and how you will not move unless he is willing to either A) straight-up propose or B) sign at least a twelve-month lease with you. Option A would really force his hand and gauge his commitment. Option B gives the both of you options. If it works out, you’re both in an awesome city like Chicago and living together, which seems like the next logical step in the relationship. Moving in together is pretty much a pre-engagement and if he’s willing to do that, I think the future bodes well. If it doesn’t work out, you’re in an awesome city like Chicago and have to start over. There are worse places you could be.

The prospects of starting over are fucking terrifying, but believe me, blindly moving to Chicago without a commitment in place from him is asking for trouble. Two years is long enough to decide whether or not you want to marry someone. Calmly tell him that you want a commitment before packing up your life and moving. That’s pretty standard. I’d be saying the same thing to him.

Son, if you’re reading this, put a ring sign a lease on it.

Coffee. Can’t get into it. Just can’t. I always get a few sips in and then just toss it. I’ve been trying for months. Diet Coke isn’t enough and I hate the taste of Red Bull. What do I do?

Caffeine pills are scary shit, per Saved by the Bell, so stay away from those. I don’t even know the answer to this question. My advice to you is to suck it up and figure out what kind of coffee you like. I don’t care what it takes. Load your coffee up with creamer, sugar, Coffee-Mate, honey, milk. Just load it up. Coffee is like wine. Too much will make you hurt, but just enough is actually good for you. I am not a functioning human being until I have my first cup in the morning. I don’t have any hot coffee takes for you except that there’s a reason that damn near everyone drinks it: It’s because it’s delicious and it makes you feel superhuman.

Also, this better not have been an allusion to you doing coke. Don’t do fucking coke. Coke is a weekends only kind of drug, if at all. Have some boundaries.

Why do I hate it so much that you’re good at giving advice?

Probably because you’re not good at anything and are just jealous, h8r.

How much money a year do you make after taxes?

Where are your manners?

Bri Guy,

Thanks for finally writing a new Gil this week. I have to ask, is Gil based off of a real person?

Gil is definitely drawn from the credit card millionaires and $30,000 dollar ballers who everyone either becomes or knows after college — those dudes who lease an Infinity Q70, put themselves into massive credit card debt, buy a pair of Ferragamo loafers and a 60 mm Burberry watch, and get their hair cut every week. It’s also drawn from who I was from ages 23-25. I wore blazers to the bar and spent way too much money on clothes that I couldn’t afford because I was making more money than ever before, but I was still living at home with my parents, still drove a 1995 Honda Accord, and owed more than $25K in student loans. I still dressed like I was going to a shareholders meeting and not dollar draft night. In reality, I was worrying whether or not my credit card was going to get declined at the bar that night. Life on the edge.

Excuse me while I go all “Inside the Actor’s Studio” here for a second, but I think Gil resonates so well with postgrads because a lot of people see parts of themselves or people they know in Gil. While he’s definitely at the extreme end of the “postgrad supernova” spectrum, it’s not a far cry from the guys who struggle with going from being “awesome” in college to being a corporate drone who thinks he’s more important than he really is. You try to hold onto every scrap of power and control you have and try to find exactly where you fit in the world. That takes some time for a lot of people. Just because you’re no longer getting paid by the hour and can afford decent haircuts, it doesn’t make you the man. That’s the glory of a character like Gil, and I’m glad you guys enjoy him because he really is the fucking man.

Spring training starts this week. Give me your World Series pick.

Royals over Padres in seven. Royals rough up James Shields in Game 7 and Wil Myers strikes out against Wade Davis to end it. Book it. LET ME HAVE MY DREAM.

If you’ve got a question for the DIMEBAG, send it to me: brian@grandex.co. I literally answer every question. Fire away.

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