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Diary Of The Man Running Time Warner Cable’s Twitter Account

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Sunday, March 9

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow I start my exciting new job as the head of social media for Time Warner Cable! I’m super duper pumped for what should be a wonderful learning experience! My personal Twitter only has 43 followers, so running Time Warner’s account with over 66,000 followers is sure to be thrilling! I knew my mass communication degree would pay off one day!

Now I’m going to read the Bible, say my prayers, and get a solid 8 hours of sleep so I’ll be rested and ready to make an impact as a part of this fabulous cable provider!

Monday, March 10

Dear Diary,

My first day on the job was a little rough. People on Twitter can be rather rude! One man was having trouble getting his cable box to turn on, so he threatened to murder my entire family with a pickaxe. Another man couldn’t get HBO On Demand to work and said he was going to make me eat my own reproductive organ. Sheesh! I must admit, I’m a little shaken. This might not be as easy as I originally anticipated!

I just need to keep positive vibes flowing through my keyboard, and good things are sure to happen! Tomorrow is a new day!

Pickaxe
Reproductive
thanks

Tuesday, March 11

Diary,

Maybe this job isn’t for me. Today my boss told me to “suck it up” and “stop being a whiny little bitch” when I was openly weeping at my desk after the entire state of Alabama lost Pay Per View capabilities, spurring a man in Birmingham to tweet that he was going to sexually assault me if he couldn’t order Filthy Back Door Maids 6 in the next five minutes. Don’t these people know I’m just the head of social media? I don’t have control over everything! Heck, I don’t have control over anything! All I can do is tweet upcoming programming, reminders about network events, and apologies. So many apologies.

Personally, I have AT&T U-verse, and had no idea how many of Time Warner’s customers were displeased with their service. I’m starting to worry about my personal safety. Maybe I should have a security system installed in my apartment, or buy a gun.

Alabama
betch2
billy

Wednesday, March 12

Today I started drinking on the job. Killed an entire bottle of Jameson before lunch. It didn’t really numb the pain, so I popped a couple Vicodin for good measure. Not sure how much more of this I can take. I fielded 12,343 negative tweets today. I counted. 2,311 were death threats. Even the President of the United States hates me. Apparently his modem was acting up, making it difficult for him to stream House of Cards, so he took to Twitter to air his grievances along with the rest of the goddamn country. HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAVE TIME TO WATCH HOUSE OF CARDS ANYWAY? Fuck me.

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try2
TWC tweet on Obama day

Thursday, March 13

The world is a dark, cruel place, filled with evil. I wish I’d never found this job on Craigslist. There is no God. Damn this company. Damn it straight to Hell. In four days of work, I haven’t received a single “thank you” or positive piece of feedback. Not one. My self-esteem is in the fucking toilet. My psyche is beyond fragile. I’m nearing the edge. I could break at any moment. Life is pain.

xxx
Neeson
ass

Friday, March 14

Saw a psychiatrist for the first time today after work. She was appalled by the things I’m being exposed to on the job, and recommended that I quit immediately before I need to be hospitalized. She also prescribed me to Prozac to fight the depression, Xanax to tamper my anxiety, and Ambien to help me sleep through the night terrors. Maybe I’ll just wash it all down with a bottle of whiskey and hope I never wake up again. What’s the point of living when a monopoly like Time Warner Cable can turn the world into such a hateful place by providing a horrible product along with unfair pricing, horrific customer service, and a general lack of concern for their customers’ feelings?

killyourself1
xriOaRBZAsfbwtBndndHVdSO
James
eff3v

Saturday, March 15

This morning I emailed my letter of resignation to my boss. I’ve decided to move to an isolated part of Russia where there is no electricity, no television, and most importantly, no Time Warner Cable. Goodbye, Diary. Thank you for being my only friend during the time I needed you most.

comcast-time-warner-cable-company-south-park-meme

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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