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Diary Of An Entry-Level Employee That’s Trying Too Hard

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Gil Humplestead is a 23-year-old recent college graduate who finally got his first real job as a Junior Marketing Assistant Coordinator with Incorporated Partners & Co. He is currently in his probationary stage.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

This is so epic. Nailed my interview last Thursday and they hired me on Friday. I start tomorrow at Incorporated Partners & Co. I can finally quit my job at the car wash. Got so hammed up on Friday to celly. Was too hungover to drink on Saturday, so I just watched every “Best Of Ari Gold” video YouTube had to offer. Can’t wait to tell an intern that I’m gonna choke him out with a strap-on. Should let everyone know that Gil Humplestead means business. I’m gonna run this bitch come Monday. I’m climbing the ladder of success, just like Mark Cuban did.

Hit up dad for his Discover card so I could get some fresh threads for my first day. He told me not to go crazy, but whatever. I hit up Nordstrom and ran the old man’s credit card debt up another grand. I overheard him telling mom that he’s close to paying off all his debt so that he can retire, but fuck that. He just bought a new Chevy Malibu. I’m still driving the 2004 Hyundai Sonata that he bought me in high school. I deserved a new car after graduation. Getting a 2.3 in five and a half years of state college was no easy task.

So I showed up at Nordstrom (TJ Maxx is for peasants) and immediately asked for assistance like I was Richard Gere in Pretty Woman or something, because I pretty much will be by my next birthday. Some 40-year-old lady showed up in the Lacoste section offering to help me. She wasn’t a MILF, so I asked for someone who could help me out with some more “modern” looks. I need to look like Gordon Gekko had a three-way with Patrick Bateman and Don Draper, then had a baby that looked like Scott Disick. I’m gonna be stacking so much cake that people will mistake me for Shane McMahon at Yacht Week every time I step foot in the office.

Finally, some little hottie came over to help me. I asked her where they kept all their Hermes ties and cufflinks. I read in GQ that Hermes makes the best power ties in the business. Well, I didn’t read it in GQ, but I did watch a segment on some Spike TV show that explained how to wear cufflinks and they mentioned Hermes ties. I’m gonna be the best dressed guy at the office. “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” That’s what Richard Branson says.

So I told this little retail hottie that I wanted Hermes ties and she informed me that they don’t carry Hermes ties. I thought Nordstrom was high-end? Bullshit. So she showed me over to a rack that might have some items in my “price range.” Pffft. Like I have a price range. Once I’m hauling in $100k in two years, the term “price range” won’t be in my vocabulary, sweetheart. I’m Gil fucking Humplestead.

Retail hottie showed me the poor people rack with $50 ties and $35 slacks and other rags for poor people that only poor people would wear. Where are the French-collar dress shirts? The golf club-shaped cufflinks? The camelhair blazers? Show me the good stuff, babe!

She finally showed me to the Burberry section. Now we’re talking. Bought so many ties. Even sprung for a little cologne so that when I’m hitting on the hot secretary the smell of desire will penetrate her nostrils with the vigor of a thousand-man land army. Gil Humplestead goes that hard.

Ended up with a receipt totaling $957.92. It’s okay, my Dad will forgive me when I buy him that yacht for Christmas in 2018.

Can’t wait for Monday to come so I can walk into Incorporated Partners & Co. like I own the place. Hell, I probably will before I turn 25.

-Gil “The Hump” Humplestead

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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