Do you find yourself daydreaming about that great 7-iron you stuck to four feet over the weekend? Do you embrace the Dad Golf lifestyle and all that comes with it? Do you take it personally when someone backs out of your weekend golf outing? Then friends, do I have an opportunity for you.
Three good, solid, and decently chill dudes in Austin, Texas are seeking a fourth to round-out their weekend group. Ideal candidates will have intricate knowledge of the central Texas municipal golf course game. Knowing a pro, or assistant pro, at an above average course that none of us can afford who will hook it up with special rates and killer tee times is a plus.
• Candidates must own multiple golf polos from courses that they haven’t played, but would like to someday when they’re making better money.
• Candidates must respect Tiger. All members of the group still believe Tiger can win multiple majors, and any reckless Tiger bashing will result in expulsion and public shaming.
• Candidates must be able to arrive on time for early tee times. Texas is hot as fuck, and group prefers pre-9 a.m. tee times, and will often play before 8 a.m. If you’re not an early riser, don’t waste your time applying. We don’t care that you maxed out last night and ended up going home with a “hard 7.” All we care about is you arriving on time.
• Candidates must attend and worship at the Church of Spieth.
• Candidates must be willing to play in high pressure, medium stakes money games. Wolf, scrambles, and best ball matches are all possibilities. Candidates must bring cash to the course, or have access to Venmo. Group will not tolerate any “I was running late and I forgot to get cash” excuses.
• Candidates are not required to drink but must tolerate others in the group drinking, often heavily.
• Candidates must be able to crack somewhat humorous Dad jokes to all golf course personnel, including cart girl.
• Candidates must know when it’s time to pick up. While we will respect and acknowledge your heart as you continue to hack away in the woods, you lay 8 from 200 yards out. The hole is over for you. Move on.
• Candidates must be willing to sneak a few beers on the course in their golf bag. Don’t judge us.
• Candidate must be honest. While encyclopedic knowledge of the rulebook is not required, any Trump-esque douchebaggery will not be tolerated.
• Candidates must know how to keep their cool. Group will tolerate the occasional on course verbal tirade, but frequent frowned upon antics including club tossing, club snapping, and steering wheel punching are not tolerated.
• Candidates must have an hour to devote to good natured after-round banter in the 19th hole or Hooters.
Deal Breakers (Don’t even bother applying)
• You’re a walker. Even if you can keep up, group doesn’t need your high and mighty ass making us look bad for driving a cart.
• You wear golf sandals. Nope.
• You offer unsolicited swing advice. Shut up. Just shut your mouth. Don’t care.
• Your pre-shot routine is longer than 30 seconds. Love a good pre-shot routine, but it’s hot as balls out there.
• You don’t have a firm grasp of your game. If you’re waiting for the group ahead to clear the green because you think you can reach the green from 280 out, and then you chunk it, we’re all going to have a bad time.
We’re all just trying out here grinding through our nine-to-fives for a chance at glory on the weekend. Our current group sits at three dudes which obviously leaves us susceptible to being paired up with a random, and we all know that’s not going to fly.
Our group is an equal opportunity foursome. We just want someone that knows what they’re doing out there. You don’t have to be a good golfer, but we’re not going to waste our time with beginners. There’s just too much to learn, and honestly, we’re not the guys to teach you. .
Candidates that fit the above criteria may apply by emailing us with 3 sentences describing why you’re the ideal candidate.