You think you know, but you have no idea. Settle in and let me drop some fire-engine red knowledge on you.
1. Redheads have no soul.
Damn you, South Park, for putting this idea out for the world to entertain. Having red hair doesn’t mean a person has no soul. Sure, we’ve got a solid crew of pumpkin heads running amuck on society—Lohan, Carrot Top—but you can’t generalize an entire (endangered) population of gingers based on a couple devil-worshiping psychopaths.
Let’s look at some evidence of redheads with beautiful souls. Emma Stone. She’s funny, dating Spiderman, and got to reenact the famous scene from Dirty Dancing with Ryan Gosling. Good soul. Ed Sheeran. He’s a flaming ginger with the voice of an angel who has more soul in one of his songs than most people have in their pinky toe.
I’m pretty sure scientists have yet to prove that each time a freckle appears on the flesh of a redhead a piece of their soul darkens. We’re not ALL pale-faced vessels of Satan. Maybe some gingers’ souls are darker than others, but man, have I met some seriously psychotic blondes in my day. Just saying.
2. Does the carpet match the drapes?
To all you confused, curious weirdos out there, let me explain the phenomenon that is the “firecrotch.” Contrary to popular belief, the pubic hair of redheads is NOT identical to the burning bush Moses encountered in the Old Testament.
Numerous times during a night out, some super drunk slob has stumbled over, thinking he’s being real fucking clever, and asked me, “Hey! Does the carpet match the drapes?” UGH. Cue me rolling my eyes, throwing a vodka-soda-lime in his face and walking away. In the rare event that I do entertain this ridiculous question, my answer is, “No, fucktard. This isn’t 1985. It’s hardwood floors down there.” *struts off*
Allow me to let you sickos in on a little piece of information: the carpet DOES, in fact, match the drapes. SHOCK! It’s not red hair up top and all the colors of the rainbow down below. I know, it’s a lot to take in at once. Breathe. However, who the fuck is rocking a full-blown muff these days? I don’t care what is hip on GIRLS this week, bush is not back. So, yeah, just like brunettes have brown hair on their head and below the belt, redheads match too.
3. Redheads have bad tempers.
Between having the skin completion of Casper and freckles that increase exponentially each time you step out into the sun, the gingers of the world don’t have it easy. Put yourself in a daywalker’s shoes for a minute.
If someone asked you if you had shit thrown at you through a screen door, would you get a little upset? If you grew up having to wear a t-shirt over your suit at the swimming pool because SPF 100 just couldn’t protect your pasty-ass skin, would you possibly be a little insecure about your looks? If you were referred to as the “red-headed step child” by your biological father on numerous occasions, would you perhaps freak the fuck out from time to time? Yeah.
Redheads are a venom spitting, short-tempered, don’t-get-mad-get-even kind of people. Cross us and suffer the consequences.
4. Redheads are crazy in the sack.
Though it’s very rare that I sleep with one of my own kind—the one time I did bump uggos with a copperknob remains a highlight on my list of conquests. I certainly can’t speak on behalf of redheads everywhere when I say I’m an “I’ll try everything once” kind of girl—but if you haven’t dipped a toe in the redhead pool, you’re missing out.