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Dangerous Animal Of The Week: Mosquitoes

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Dangerous Animal Of The Week by visiting the archive.

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Every week, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid these gnarly creatures, and stay safe out there in the wild.

They kill more humans annually than murderers. They are the reason Zika has you second guessing that vacation to your favorite beach destination. They make summertime in humid regions nearly unbearable. The infamous Jurassic Park disaster never would’ve occurred were it not for their existence. They are a blood-sucking goddamn nuisance to us all.

I am talking, of course, about mother fucking mosquitoes. Arguably the most annoying creatures on the planet, mosquitoes pose a much larger threat to human life than you probably realize. It’s time to arm ourselves with knowledge in the fight against mother nature’s most deadly killing machine.

What is so scary about a damn mosquito?

Mosquitos murder over 1,000,000 presumably innocent people every year. They are, far and away, the deadliest animal on the planet. Most of the people they mercilessly bury are in Africa through the transmission of diseases like West Nile, yellow fever, dengue, and malaria. A million fucking people. Can you believe that shit? They even gave George Washington malaria! Sons of bitches.

In other terrifying news, mosquitoes vastly outnumber us. There are waaaaay more mosquitoes on this planet than humans. We’re talking 100 trillion tiny flying monsters. There are 3,500 different species of these fuckin’ things. They’ve been around for 210 million years. Earth basically belongs to the mosquitoes and we’re nothing more than their blood-filled guests. At any moment, they could decide to rise up and do away with us all by draining us completely. We need to stop trying to solve global warming and try to solve mosquitoes, in my professional opinion.

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Only female mosquitoes bite and suck your blood. (Typical women.) Why? Your blood provides them with the protein that mosquito eggs require for development. So if you’ve ever been bitten by a mosquito, you’ve actively contributed to the furthering of their evil existence. Way to go, idiot. Also, female mosquitoes lay up to 300 eggs at a time. Let that scary shit soak in. It’s gross.

Mosquitoes can down up to three times their weight in blood. And you thought you had a drinking problem. Speaking of which, some scientists do believe that if you have a high enough BAC when a mosquito bites you, your boozy blood can not only get that mosquito drunk, but kill it altogether. The lesson is that we should be shit-housed all the time. That’s how we beat these things.

What if I told you mosquitoes have something in common with werwolves? Would that scare you? It fucking should. In one study, a full-moon increased mosquito activity by 500 percent. Who did this study and why? I do not have those answers, but it’s pretty clear that you should never go outside during a full-moon for any reason ever.

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“I’ll just wear pants and a long sleeve shirt and a bee keeper’s mask,” you might be saying.

Nice try, Einstein. When desperate enough for a bloody meal, mosquitoes can and will bite through your clothes. Your threads can’t protect you. Maybe if you were wearing a suit of armor or something. But they’d probably still find a way in, the vicious bastards. They’re wily.

What should I do if I encounter a mosquito?

Slap the shit out of it. Destroy it with impunity. Use all of your force to crush it into oblivion. Then head to Antarctica. That’s the only region of the world where mosquitoes aren’t found. Why we aren’t all living on Antarctica already, I do not know.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, unbiased Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan who attended the 2017 Masters.

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