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Dangerous Animal Of The Week: Cape Buffalo

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Dangerous Animal Of The Week by visiting the archive.

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Every Thursday, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid this gnarly creature, and stay safe out there in the wild.

The Cape buffalo, also known as the African buffalo, also known as “Black Death” (hell nah), also known as “The Widow-maker” (fuck out of here), is a funny looking dude. His horns perfectly resemble a handlebar mustache. Take caution in laughing at his dome, though, because he will toss your pathetic human body like a rag doll and crush your bones into dust. Cape buffalos have killed more big game hunters than any other animal in Africa. That’s including lions, hippos and crocodiles. Cape buffalos are crazy as hell.

What is so scary about a damn Cape buffalo?

These bad boys weigh around 1,500 pounds full-grown, can run roughly 35 mph, and are scary smart. Remember the velociraptors in Jurassic Park? Cape buffalos get down like that, except they’re built like tanks. They’ve been known to circle back on hunters and counter-attack. They come up with strategies and shit. You know how you get the nickname “The Widow-maker?” By developing a reputation for stalking, attacking and killing hunters who have injured but failed to kill you. They apparently have fantastic memories and can remember your ass for years. You come at the king, you best not miss. That’s real.

Cape buffs have also been known to sneak up on sleeping lions, charge through their camps and trample the ones that fail to wake up. Then they hunt down the cubs and fuck them up too. Savage.

They use their horns to gouge, toss and smash at whatever they’re attacking. They’re also fond of faking a retreat, suddenly stopping and then turning around and attempting to truck stick whatever is pursuing them before bailing again. Tricky motherfuckers.

It takes a Cape buffalo bull at least eight years to fight his way high enough up the dominance hierarchy of his squad to secure an opportunity to make fuck with a cow. Can you imagine fighting for eight years just to try and loose a nut? That’s a lot of pent up aggression. Really explains why these guys are the way they are.

That’s what’s so scary about a damn Cape buffalo.

What should I do if I encounter a Cape buffalo?

Run for your fucking life. Do not try to kill this beast. If you try to kill one and fail, the injured Cape buffalo will repeat your name every night before it goes to sleep (like Arya Stark), stalk you, hunt you down and eventually release your spirit into the sky by squashing your head like a raisin.

Check back in every Thursday for another Dangerous Animal Of The Week.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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