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Conversations You Had On AIM: Then and Now

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So here’s the deal. Like many of you (all of you) out there, I spent an inordinate amount of time on various instant messengers in middle school and early high school. Most of my friends were on MSN, but I ended up getting AIM as well because that was the one the group of hot girls in my science class were on. I also had Yahoo! chat, but we don’t need to get into the reasons for that.

Anyway, the point is, IM fell off the map for most of us in our later high school and college years. Sure, you’d shoot the occasional Facebook chat over to that babe across the library, which YOU KNOW SHE SAW but didn’t respond to, but as our internet savvy generation has hit the workforce, we’ve found that IM is perfect for the one thing that drives capitalism? Greed? No. Gossip.

Whether you use Gchat, AIM, Facebook, or some other weirdo thing, chances are, if you work in a mid-large office, you’re spending most of your free time on there, gossiping with your few cool coworkers, and your college buddies in other offices. And the funny (but also kinda sad) thing is, you’re still talking about the same old shit you were when you were in middle school. Don’t believe me? I present, the conversations we were having about topics at age 13 vs. the ones we’re having in the office now, told through the eyes/keyboard of two lifelong friends, dangerpants86 and sugarraybizkit69

Sports (1998):

dangerpants86: dudeeee sammy sosas gonna do it
sugarraybizkit69: whatev mark mcgwire would kick his ass
dangerpants86: in Backyard Baseball maybe
sugarraybizkit69: fuck u i know you have posters of both of them for when someone wins
dangerpants86: I LIKE WINNERS, BITCH
sugarraybizkit69: pussy
dangerpants86: dickhead
sugarraybizkit69: bitch
dangerpants86: hey at least we can both agree A-rod can suck a dick, right
sugarraybizkit69: oh 4 sure

The steroid scandal left them scarred and betrayed by their heroes. Baseball was never the same for them again.

Sports (2013)

dangerpants86: ok, that’s it, it’s over. lebron over MJ.
sugarraybizkit69: IN WHAT WORLD?!
dangerpants86: what does MJ have that lebron doesn’t
sugarraybizkit69: oh, i don’t know, rings? 6 finals MVPs? defensive POY?
dangerpants86: lebron just needs time. he’ll hit all of that.
sugarraybizkit69: slam dunk champion. lebron’s too much of a pussy to do it.
dangerpants86: but he’d win if he entered
sugarraybizkit69: SPACE JAM. does lebron have space jam?!
dangerpants86: space jam 2: electric boogaloo. lebron and the looney tunes are forced to fly out into space to play in the universe’s largest basketball tournament for the fate of earth. wayne knight pilots the ship, bill murray doesn’t play defense, and kate upton leads the cheerleading team.
sugarraybizkit69: fuuuuuuuck you.
sugarraybizkit69: actually, i’d watch the shit out of that. at least we can both agree A-Rod can suck a dick
dangerpants86: oh, for sure

For what it’s worth, I’d watch that movie too.

Girls (2001)

dangerpants86: did you ask lauren 2 winter formal?
sugarraybizkit69: not yet
dangerpants86: pussy
sugarraybizkit69: i’m gonna do it!!! i just need an idea how.
dangerpants86: heres how. take your tampon out and go ask her.
sugarraybizkit69: nah need somethin special
dangerpants86: you kno whats special?
sugarraybizkit69: wat?
dangerpants86: having a ballsaccccckkkkkk
sugarraybizkit69: fuk u

He never asked her to formal, by the way. But they did get drunk in the parking lot off of a flask of their dad’s Cutty Sark. They vomited.

Girls (2013)

dangerpants86: you there?
sugarraybizkit69: yeah, just got back from our “consumer report meeting”
dangerpants86: you know they’re gonna find your ping pong table someday.
sugarraybizkit69: maybe. but that day is not today.
dangerpants86: you see hot receptionist today?
sugarraybizkit69: morning hot receptionist or afternoon hot receptionist?
dangerpants86: afternoon
sugarraybizkit69: not yet
dangerpants86: go now!!
sugarraybizkit69 (five minutes later): HOLY SHIT
dangerpants86: i know
sugarraybizkit69: what IS that?! would you call it a dress?
dangerpants86: i’d call it awesome. you should see if she wants to grab drinks
sugarraybizkit69: why don’t you?
dangerpants86: because i’m getting drinks with morning receptionist
sugarraybizkit69: oh, nice.
dangerpants86: thanks. but on to you. ask her out!
sugarraybizkit69: ok. i just gotta think of a smooth way to do it.
dangerpants86: jesus christ, not this shit again. you walk up to her. you smile at her. you say “hey hot receptionist, would you like to grab a drink after we kick outta here?”
sugarraybizkit69: i don’t see it…
dangerpants86: i hate you
sugarraybizkit69: what about a hot air balloon?

He never did ask out hot receptionist (afternoons). Which is good, because she was already assisting his manager in his extramarital affair.

So what did we learn here? Well, honestly, pretty much nothing. But dangerpants86 and sugarraybizkit69 (why did they keep their usernames in a professional environment, who knows?) are pretty good examples of ourselves. Our grammar might have improved a lot, but the conversations remain the same. We make fun of each other mercilessly. We never actually hook up with the people we say we’re going to. And of course, the important stuff, like homework and daily activity reports, get pushed to the very last minute, or don’t get done at all. Because we’re having too much fun talking shit.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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