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Conspiracy Thursday: Beyoncé’s First Pregnancy

Conspiracy Thursday: Beyoncé’s First Pregnancy

Hello again, friends, and welcome back to Conspiracy Thursday. On the last Conspiracy Thursday, we tackled the New World Order, Templars and the Denver Airport. This week, it’s one of the grandest celeb conspiracies ever: Beyoncé’s first pregnancy.

This one is WILD, folks. We’ve got whispers of infidelity, odd hospital behavior and the grandaddy of them all, the infamous collapsing baby bump. Fully loaded.

If I can take on the NWO and the Templars, There should be no problem blowing the cover off the Illuminati’s poster child and (#slayyyyyyyy) of the basics.

Let’s start with motives. Why would one fake a pregnancy? Beyoncé is the world’s premiere recording artist, so she doesn’t need the money from Jay. The public is bananas for her. Her image is pristine.

Like all conspiracies, this one fascinates me. I normally wouldn’t question the motives of someone faking a pregnancy, but when it’s someone who is so insanely image obsessed like Beyoncé, I can’t help myself.

Motive #1: Her body.

It’s no secret that pregnancies aren’t exactly easy on a woman’s body. Shoutout to all the moms out there. I love you. Carrying a human around for nine months doesn’t sound like anyone’s idea of a good time. So when you have a career largely based on being one of the most stunningly beautiful women in the world, you probably are gonna start looking for someone else to bear the burden of gestation. Unfair double standard, IMO, but that’s life in the NFL.

Motive #2: Jay-Z had an affair.

Getting lady cucked by an inferior female wouldn’t exactly be “on brand” for Queen Bey. She is a goddess. Ever wonder why Jay let “Lemonade” happen? Exactly. Jay messed around and ended up getting some groupie preggo. Instead of letting the marriage fall apart and rid the world of #couplegoals paparazzi pics, Beyoncé rode out the storm, letting the rando carry Blue Ivy to term and standing by her man. ‘03 Bonnie and Clyde are ride or die.

Motive #3: Blue Ivy Carter is the Illuminati’s demon baby who will rule the world and destroy humanity.

Here we go. This is why I’m in the conspiracy game. There’s no other explanation. Jay would be crazy to cheat on a woman like Bey. Bey would never carry the Illuminati’s demon spawn to term because a normal human being is unfit to bear the reaper of this world. So you go out and you find some lady who needs the cash, all the while not telling her “oh yeah, when this thing is ready to be birthed, you’re going to die an extremely painful death, for the prophecy has been told. Your sacrifice will not go unnoticed by the mighty Cthulu.”

Beyoncé is the ultimate Illuminati celeb. No one else even comes close. She’s become so megafamous without any sort of odd meltdown (see: Spears, Britney circa 2007) and that is all the proof I need that she is 100 percent deep in their clutches and totally down for the cause.

You know what? I can’t blame her. I’m jealous. If somehow I had the talent enough to become megafamous and some shadowy figure approached me with an offer of unlimited wealth, power and success plus knowing all the secrets of the universe, I would so be down. Goodbye, world. I’m selling my soul to the man behind the curtain. You know all the cool shit Beyoncé probably knows about? Aliens, the meaning of life, access to super drugs that unlock every corner of your brain, the ability to have anyone murdered. Who wouldn’t want that? Idiots, that’s who.

Now, the coup de grace. The faux baby bump:

I mean, there’s your smoking gun. That just defies all laws of fabric physics.

That walk. That is such a fake pregnant walk that I can’t even stand it. That’s someone who’s never been pregnant before trying to be pregnant. Wearing that dress. Ridiculous! Those shoes. Come on! Yeah, she’s Beyoncé, but who are you trying to fool? If you’re gonna go fake pregnant, you’ve gotta go floor length mumu, flats and some sort of hair braid. Play the part. You’re not Beyoncé anymore. You’re pregnant Beyoncé. Casually drop that you’re not wearing just any mumu. It’s a $5,000 Vera Wang maternity gown. Speak to the common woman while being uncommonly clothed.

The collapsing tummy is the least damning thing about this footage. No pregnant woman dresses like that, especially one who’s rocking a second-trimester tummy like that.

Verdict: NEVER pregnant. She used a surrogate to carry the Illuminati’s demon child.

She’s definitely pregnant now, and she’s definitely trying to prove it.

Those pictures scream “I’m very much pregnant this time, America. Bow before me.”

Can’t sneak anything by me.

Image via YouTube

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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