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College Seduction Methods That Should Be Retired

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There are so many things you can get away with in college that seem completely irrational in objective reality, if not completely insane. That’s why we call it the college bubble. We knew we would eventually have to retire our two story bongs, because we had to grow up. For some reason, though, I still see guys using the same methods of flirting with girls that they used in college. Guess what, dudes? This ain’t 2008. Children have iPhones, Obama turned out to be less idealistic than he let on, and you can’t get away with that college bullshit anymore.

1. Facebook Flirting

I never understood this method, even when I employed it myself. Trying to talk to girls online is already fraught with enough problems, and that’s when it’s on a dedicated dating site. Girls don’t get on Facebook for guys to flirt with them. They do it to look at their ex’s new girlfriend, complain about unflattering photos of them posted by their friends, and masochistically look at wedding albums. Your “Hey, what’re you up to?” isn’t only unwanted, it’ll probably make you unwanted forever. Sure, in college it could work because you’d message her under the pretext of asking about a homework assignment or studying plans. But now? What are you going to ask? “Hey, did we have homework for…that bar we went to? Like, booze homework?” Smooth.

2. Having A Friend Gauge Her Interest

Honestly, this move should technically be considered a high school technique, but I witnessed it just as much in college. You know how it goes. You like girl. Friend has a friend who knows girl. You have friend inquire as to her interest in you. The answer is usually no. You go on with your life. Well, those days are over. First, you probably don’t live in a community where everyone knows everyone, so relying on the hope that you have some mutual friends with the girl you met only briefly is pretty dumb. Secondly, you’re an adult now. Stop having your friends run around with the metaphorical version of a “Do you like me? Check yes or no” note. If you like a girl, ask her out. If you don’t have her number, reach out to a friend just for contact purposes. Do you add her on Facebook and make your move there? Damn it, it’s like you haven’t even been paying attention.

3. Asking Her Out For Coffee

Coffee dates were everywhere in college. It was simple. How many coffee shops did you have on campus? Like, 86? It was a close, walking distance scenario that required minimal investment from her, making it an easy sell. Once you got there, you just had to be charming and you were in, right? A lot of people still run the coffee date scam, and I have to be honest–I think it’s bogus. Coffee shops are too quaint and safe, and you’re usually meeting her there during the day. It’s like the environment is giving off the friendship vibe FOR you. Look, I certainly don’t subscribe to the “take her to a bar and get her drunk” notion, but there’s something to be said for having adult dates in an adult environment. Coffee shops are now reserved for busy people on the go, girls and their puppy dog male friends, and unemployed artistic types talking about their never-to-be-finished projects.

4. Making Her A Mix CD

Kidding, guys. Still a genius idea.

5. Playing The Fucking Guitar

I’ve always said this, and I fully intend to write it into a movie someday, but “no guy has ever picked up a guitar for any reason other than a girl.” Whether it was for one girl in particular, for the girls he went to school with, or for the hypothetical girls who come with being a rockstar, the motivation is always female-driven. Please note I’m not saying we should all quit playing the guitar. I still enjoy strumming mine and pretending that someday I’ll actually put together a band and get some shows at shitty bars on Sunset. Let’s just let the seduction part of the instrument go. When girls come over for a party, don’t be the guy who pulls out the guitar. Granted, that guy wasn’t cool even in college, but at least it was expected. If you truly want to use your finger picking skills to get some strange, try getting good and being a real musician. Those dudes get laid just by walking through the bar’s door like an average guy gets wet by falling into a lake.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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