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Chivalry Is Dead: Five Simple Dating Rules For Dudes

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Remember the days when your date would drive to your house, get out of the car, ring the doorbell, shake hands with your father and promise to have you home by midnight?

Now, a traditional date has been dumbed down to meeting at a bar at 1am, stumbling home drunk and falling into bed together. As young people we aren’t looking to deal with complications. We’ve become the generation accustomed to instant gratification. It’s become easier pick someone up, take them home, consummate the meet, then ask the important questions later. But what if our backwards sense of courtship is the reason so many twenty-somethings are stuck engaging in meaningless one night stands, and less lasting relationships?

Don’t get me wrong. I like casual. I’m the queen of casual. I’m all about spending the night in, getting drunk off a cheap bottle of wine, watching Workaholics, hooking up in the shower and passing out before ten. Actually, that might be my ideal date scenario. But before we reach that point, it would be nice to go out for dinner, maybe see a movie. Hell, you could take me fishing as long as you didn’t try to shove your rod in my mouth before we push off shore. After all I am somewhat of a lady, and although I might act like a Ke$ha when we’re out at the bar, I expect to be treated with a little respect.

As progressive, independent women of the 21st century we are no longer expecting the full treatment as far as manners go, but we are expecting some sort of effort. You should be able to scrape by if you follow even ONE of these rules, let’s begin.

Rule #1: Compliment Her

Grease

This doesn’t mean comment on every single thing she is wearing, that’s overkill. Choose one thing, and stick to it.

Good example: “You’ve got amazing eyes, they’re almost blue-ish purple. They’re beautiful.”
Bad example: “Nice eyes, are they purple? I got a lap dance from a stripper named Purple in Nashville once. She was hot. I bet you’d look just as hot with all your clothes off.”

Rule #2: Make Her Laugh

Dear men of the world, don’t quote Anchorman. We don’t memorize movie lines and we won’t get the joke. Love, every chick, ever.

Good example: “You watch New Girl? Schmidt is hilarious, did you catch the episode when he was forced to be naughty Santa at his office Christmas party? I’m gunning for that title at my firm’s holiday bash.”
Bad example: “Did you see the New Girl episode when Schmidt broke his dick? I swear that happened to me once. I would only let girls blow me for a month after that. It was real traumatic.”

Rule #3: Relate To Her Interests

40-year-old-virgin

Ask questions, girls love attention, duh.

Good example: “You have two dogs? My sister has a bulldog, Tank, he’s the man.”
Bad example: “You have two dogs? I hit a dog with my car once I think. Not sure though, I was really drunk.”

Rule #4: Show Respect

You want to sneak a peak down my shirt when I’m not looking, be my guest. I actually welcome such behavior, and can appreciate you being such a gentleman about it. But if I catch you gawking at the bartender’s whale tail rather than make eye contact with me? Not going to fly.

Good example: “If you’re interested, some friends and I are heading out tonight, you’re more than welcome to join. You can crash at my place, I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Bad example: “Wanna go out tonight? Shits probably gonna get real weird. My friend Beaver is in town so he’s got dibs on the couch. We can share my bed? It’s a spacious twin.”

Rule #5: Play Down The Ex

the-overly-attached-girlfriend-explains-what-its-like-being-a-wildly-popular-internet-meme

For the love of God, guys, whatever happens, do NOT bring up the last girl you were seeing. If we want to know about it, we will ask. And honestly, chances are we already know all about her and her tendency to take selflies via her public Instagram account we stalked earlier in the day. If you find yourself stumbling across the topic of an ex, be subtle.

Good example: “Yea, I know John, his girlfriend and my ex are best friends so we used to hangout. Haven’t seen him in a while though, I know he’s been real busy with work.”
Bad example: “John? Yea, he’s my homie. His girl and my ex are good friends. Haven’t seen him too much since I dumped that bitch though.”

There you have it boys, now go sweep her off her feet…and onto her back.

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