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Brutally Honest Post Grad AIM Away Messages

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We all grew up with AIM. It was a staple of our maturation from children to teenagers. My favorite feature of AIM was the away message. It was a forum in which you could brag about what awesome thing you were pretending to do at the moment. However, like all great things, AIM has aged and become a thing of the past. But what if we, as postgrads, could post away messages today? And what if they were brutally honest? They would probably look a little something like this:

  • Spending my hard earned money on the least expensive food in the grocery store. I thought the college dining hall food was bad.
  • Commuting to work, tuning out radio commercials on the way to a job I don’t find rewarding.
  • Checking my credit card statement and wondering how people save money.
  • At happy hour. I’m under the impression that because drinks and appetizers are at a reduced price I am being economically savvy by purchasing so many.
  • Cooking a meal that could be out-Instagrammed by a third country refugee. Instagramming it anyway.
  • On an uncomfortable errand run to Costco because I forgot to restock on toilet paper before I ran out.
  • Watching a show on Netflix for four hours that I don’t even enjoy…on my parents’ Netflix account.
  • Posting an away message to make my job seem demanding to my peers.
  • Bundled in a comforter and sweats because I can’t afford to turn my heat on during the Polar Vortex.
  • Pouring the last cup of coffee in the break room with no intention of making a new pot. Then getting mad at the next guy to do it.
  • Googling “get rich quick” schemes.
  • Facebook stalking that kid from high school that got hired at Goldman Sachs. Living vicariously through him.
  • Mentally preparing myself for a minimal effort workout. Failing to motivate.
  • Finally getting to the laundry I’ve put off for the last four weeks. Might be two quarters short.
  • Drinking a bottle of wine by myself.
  • Catching up with the pizza delivery guy—it’s been a whole three days since I last saw him.
  • Staring at a blank Excel Spreadsheet.
  • Trying to convince my boss that I’m busy.
  • Staring at my apartment carpet hoping that it will magically vacuum itself.
  • Calling my mom to figure out how to fold a fitted sheet. Just bunching it up anyway.
  • Eating at Chipotle for lunch for the third straight day. Hoping for free guacamole.
  • Looking up the price of cleaning ladies. Considering switching professions.
  • Wishing I took that fifth year victory lap.

Whelp, I guess it would basically be like Twitter.

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