Commercials are the bane of every TV watcher’s existence. They’re boring, they’re too damn long, and you’re already aware of the shitty action movie that the network is currently promoting with every break. With the rise of DVR and Netflix, many cases of forced commercial watching can now be avoided, although you’re still out of luck with live sporting events and anything else you choose to watch live without channel surfing. Commercials seem to get worse and worse, especially when you’re watching the same shit constantly. Every single insurance spokesperson just drives you insane, and you know every erectile dysfunction commercial by heart. (Side note: I can’t be the only one who’s at least slightly bewildered by the Viagra commercial that features guys on a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean.) Even the Super Bowl commercials aren’t what they used to be, especially since Nationwide killed your kids.
Although it’s hard to remember now with the back alley abortions that are today’s commercials, there was once a time when a commercial would make you laugh on a consistent basis. That commercial was Bud Light’s “Real Men of Genius.” Bud Light has long been a reliable source for good commercials, but these were the commercials at their peak. RMOG saluted the regular guy in all of us, and it’s been too long since we’ve been treated to a celebration of the average greatness of the everyman, especially with the new genius opportunities presented to us in the last ten years. Let’s salute the new-age Real Men of Genius.
“Mr. Porn Retweeter Guy”
You retweet the good porn star tweets so your friends in a relationship who can’t follow them can see them, too. You’re the ultimate digital wingman, except instead of hooking your friends up at a bar, you’re sharing a dirty picture of a woman who has sex on camera.
“Mr. Actual Netflix Account Holder Guy”
The ultimate real MVP, you bite the bullet of $9 a month (I think, I haven’t paid for Netflix in at least five years) so the seventeen of your friends, ranging from your roommate to your cousin’s fiancé’s mom, can sit on their couches and stream TV and movies on your dime.
“Mr. Scathing YouTube Commenter Guy”
You say what needs to be said, no matter what the case. A viral video about a cat knocking over a flower pot? Doesn’t matter, you still let user catluver678 know that she’s “a fukin dooshebag.” In a time when too many people are polite, you continue to tell it like it is.
“Mr. Facebook Sports Reporter Guy”
Breaking news, every single news outlet just reported a big trade — but luckily for your Facebook friends who don’t use any other media and have you as their only friend, you’re on the report. You’re never shy with a breaking take on yesterday’s free agency rumors, and you can always let us know “It’s definitely time for a Matt Leinart comeback; I think he will be really successful.” You make sure we know your opinion on every sport, because one day, ESPN is gonna ask.
“Mr. Instagram Fitness Pro Guy”
You love protein, eating clean, #gainz, and crushing back and bis. But, most of all, you love the mirror selfie to show us all your progress, and you always reassure us that you aren’t done yet. Your collection of cutoff tank tops that show off your nipples is unrivaled, and you’re the first one to let everyone know the difference between bulk and cut season. You’ll hit the gym daily and prove it with ten pictures, because to hell with Kenny Powers — you want to be the best at exercising.
“Mr. #Blessed Guy”
You let us know that your life is awesome, and dammit if you aren’t aware how #blessed you are every day. Got that brand new job you wanted? #Blessed. You just saw a homeless guy and are appreciative of how much you have? #Blessed. That hooker you raw-dogged behind a dumpster not give you a STD? Crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Baron of the Blessings, because you’re definitely #blessed..
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