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Breaking Down Your Workplace Bowel Movements

Breaking Down Your Workplace Bowel Movements

Working isn’t all about making calls, dealing with customers, and sitting at a desk. Lots of little nuances go into your workday, each one having its own special place, like your breaks, your meetings, and of course, your dumps.

Let’s not beat around the bush — taking your work dump is a crucial part of your day. Sometimes it can even be the make or break factor that determines whether your day is decent or not. A really important part of a successful and fulfilling workday is a well-planned and well-executed dump schedule, and depending on your job flexibility, workspace conditions, and experience level, blowing it up is either one of the best times of your day, or a nightmare.

The Time Waster

This is the 5-star, blue chip recruit of shits. You time it perfectly every day by carving out 10-15 minutes of time where you won’t be needed in any fashion whatsoever, and you know that your preferred porcelain throne will be unoccupied. Upon entering your temporary office, you settle in for the long haul and fire up your preferred form of entertainment. Nothing in the world is more relaxing than scrolling through Twitter, reading PGP on your phone, or taking it old school and reading a paper all while not being forced to rush out of there. After minutes upon minutes of uninterrupted bliss, you finish your business and walk back to your workspace smiling like Bob from the Enzyte commercials.

The Performance Enhanced Dump (PED)

The savviest can time this and make it a time waster, but you see a lot of rookies who don’t use their PEDs correctly and end up with a juiced up super-dump. Coffee and tobacco are workplace staples, habits you never really let go of from college when you needed to get shit done. Speaking of, those two cups of coffee and morning dip will also flush you out like a damn colonoscopy, and you need to prepare accordingly. If you know you’ve got an important meeting that’ll go at least an hour, but you treat yourself to Columbian and Copenhagen 20 minutes before, you’re asking for a nightmare scenario. With trial and error, a workplace vet will time his stimulant usage with his Time Waster and create a perfect storm in the toilet bowl.

The Rusher

You just got off a 35-minute phone call, and you’ve got four minutes until you have to be in your boss’s office upstairs for a performance review. Unfortunately for you, you also had Taco Bell breakfast and chugged coffee throughout your whole phone call, so you’ve got an army pounding at the back gates. You hang up the phone and Olympic speed walk to the bathroom, praying that it isn’t occupied. If you work in an office with multiple stalls, you better believe you’re going to be surrounded on either side with only a thin wall separating your nuclear waste from everyone else’s. There’s no Twitter, no reading, no time for anything. You’re pushing and ripping off TP simultaneously, and sweating bullets about being late to your boss’s scathing review. This likely involves an unpleasant and unsatisfying pinch off, and all that’s going through your head while hearing about your “lack of preparation and diligence” is how you really just robbed yourself of what could’ve been a pleasant experience under different circumstances.

The Nightmare

You can’t quite put your finger on which specific meal did this, but maybe it was the 4-day-old lasagna, last night’s Tex-Mex, or your breakfast from the taco truck. All you know is something didn’t sit well, and your stomach is telling you “nice meal, don’t ever fucking eat it again.” You know the cleanup will be a nightmare if the initial evacuation stage would ever finish. You’re making loud noises that you can’t believe are coming out of you and cringing every time someone new walks into the restroom. You picked a terrible day to wear extremely distinctive shoes. Your mind races as you are fairly certain that the whole office is discussing your current bathroom predicament while you finish in shame, and your mental state is so wrecked all day that you somehow can still smell it when you get in your car to go home. This shit is your Vietnam.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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