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Breaking Down Your Kickball Team

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There are several hobbies available for postgrads to take their minds off of familiarizing themselves with the 9-5 world. Some travel a lot, some do woodworking, some join an improv group. But the most popular extracurricular that I’ve seen a ton of people doing lately is kickball. I was in a kickball league for two consecutive summers and really liked it. It’s a lot of fun. It’s a simple game, but despite growing older, people’s competitive juices are still flowing.

Each team might dress differently, but I swear to the flying spaghetti monster, every single team has the exact same kind of people on it.

The Dudes

The Coach
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Older than everyone else, this is probably someone’s older brother or some older coworker who played soccer in high school and automatically thinks he’s qualified to be the head honcho of the team. Is there strategy involved in kickball? No. Just kick the ball as hard as you can and pretend to hustle. Those detailed spray charts were a nice tool, but it just made me worry about what else he was doing in his spare time. Killing homeless people, probably.

The Out-Of-Shape, In-Shape Guy

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A former walk-on college athlete, used to be crazy fit, but now he shows up to every game completely shitfaced, but is still one of the better players on the team. He dedicated his life to being an elite athlete all the way from his freshman year of high school through his senior night in college. Now, he’s just another desk jockey who eats at Ruby Tuesday three times a week and has put on a solid 20 pounds since graduation. He married a cheerleader after college, so he can get away with it. This dude just bombs the alleys for singles and puts in pinch runners when he kicks home runs. He could be one of the greats if he maybe hit the treadmill, but he’s content with being who he is.

The Guy Who Gives Way Too Much Of A Shit

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Do everyone a favor and do less. Just do less, guy. This is a recreational kickball league that you paid $75 to join, not game seven of the ALCS. He blew out some poor girl’s ACL trying to break up a double play last season, but still refuses to dial it down. Opposing teams draw straws to see who plays catcher in order to avoid playing the Ray Fosse to this guy’s Pete Rose.

The Drunk Guy

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He’ll show up a minute before the game starts, fresh out of happy hour, with a six-pack in tow. His place is at catcher or right field, to avoid fucking anything up too bad. He’s asked the second baseman if they have a cigarette, winded after legging out a semi-hustle double. He’s been treated for dehydration at a handful of Sunday afternoon games and the team has even discussed whether or not he has a serious drinking problem.

The Star

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He’s the perfect mix of party animal and superior athlete. He’s the best on the team, much like Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. There was uproar when the league banned intentional walks last season, considering this guy’s on-base percentage was upwards of .800. He’s got a thunderous boot and runs a 4.5 40-yard dash, at least that’s what you’ve heard. An athletic specimen, through and through. There are rumors that he played in a semi-pro kickball circuit back in 2010, but no one’s been able to prove it.

The Chicks

The Girl Some Dude Is Trying To Impress

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She’s really not any good, but she’s a hard eight and one of your teammate’s coworkers. She’s only there to distract the opposition with her hotness. He’s been trying to close on her for months now and invited her to join the team, mainly so he can get away with giving her butt taps. She’s not into him and will probably cause some turmoil in the locker room when she ends up dating a way cooler guy on a rival team.

The Athlete

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Don’t ever let her hear you say “she’s pretty good for a girl” or you’ll find yourself on the business end of her elbow when the two of you call for the same fly ball. She can handle herself in the batter’s box and has a monster left foot. She’s out to prove she can hang with the boys. Turns out that she can.

Some Dude’s Girlfriend

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She joined the team just so she could hang out with her man after work. It’s cute. Only problem is she plays two innings and then sits in the dugout for the rest of the game to cheer on her BF. She’s cool enough, but they’ve only been dating a few months and it’s way too early in the game for the both of them to be this attached. I give it two more months, at the most.

The Hot, Yet Pretty Good One

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She’s a pretty good player, but man is she something to look at. Her competitive nature is a redeeming quality and she’s really hot when she gets into the heat of battle. A team player who really brings it on the field. She would be the perfect mate to breed Olympic-caliber children with, but she doesn’t mix business with pleasure. She’s here for two reasons, to win and wear boy shorts.

The Psycho

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A former varsity athlete who pulls her own weight, but man, she really needs to calm down. She leads cheers from the dugout with her shrill voice and consistently gets into shoving matches with opposing players, no matter their gender. She really could tone it down a notch. There’s a good chance she’s on some sort of medication that wears off around game time, considering as the game goes on, her temper flares up more and more. She won’t hesitate to break up a double play or sacrifice her body for an out. I’ll take her on my team any day, though.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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