Another week without Ruxin and Rafi, but at least the writers didn’t offend too many races, genders, sexual orientations, or religions this week. The cast was back to finding humor in bodily functions and sex jokes. On the positive side, Kevin’s low T count was nowhere to be found. Hopefully, that is a trend that continues next week. Taco opened the episode strong with some hilarious lines in the first scene, but faded late as the focus of the episode turned to stool samples and religion. It wasn’t the funniest episode of “The League,” but it certainly wasn’t as cringeworthy as last week’s.
EBDB Hacked By The Chinese
The episode opens with the gang sitting around the MacArthurs’ living room. The group is discussing Kevin and Jenny putting Ellie in Sunday school. Taco comes into the room and announces that the EBDB has been compromised by a brute force attack from the Chinese. The attack left the EBDB vulnerable to hackers who used a back door to steal his database. Now, what is hilarious about this is that the EBDB is actually a van, not an internet database, and the hard drive they stole is actually a cassette tape that Taco recorded himself (fun fact: a hard drive is really just a much larger cassette tape). The brute force attack was not a cyber attack, but a car accident with the Chinese owners of a liquor store. This revelation early on leads to a couple funny scenes throughout the episode. In one scene, Taco is forced to inform members of the EBDB about the data breach. For instance, he lets Jenny know that he is Eskimo sisters with her because of that time she hooked up with her field hockey teammate in high school. (This is the first time anyone, including Kevin, has heard of this information.) In another scene, he infiltrates the liquor store in an attempt to recover his stolen database, which he eventually finds in the dumpster outside the liquor store. Overall, I thought the best laughs from this storyline came in the opening scene when Taco announces the data breach to everyone. Most of those lines are included below in the best one-liners section.
Andre Plays With His Pussy…Cat
Also in the opening scene, we learn that Andre has rescued a cat, which he has named M’Lady. This practically sends the rest of the group into fits as they start thinking through all the various jokes they can make about Andre and his pussy. Kevin stops everyone, though, and says that they need to challenge themselves. He proposes that the first person to make a pussy joke has to give up his or her best running back. This leads to the entire cast coming just short of saying “pussy” numerous times in the episode, only to replace it with another word at the last second. It was funny to see them try so hard not to say “pussy,” though I didn’t find any of the jokes particularly funny. What was funny was the prank they pulled on Andre. Pete has started dating another smokeshow named Penny (played by Anna Camp). She owns a pet grooming store called Catitude. Andre has been asked to pose for a magazine with his new cat, and he asks Penny to do the grooming. The guys convince Penny to groom the cat in the most hideous way possible, assuring her that it’s what Andre wants. Pete is conflicted about the prank because he really likes Penny, but ultimately, he chooses bros before hos. The payoff is great, as the cat looks absolutely hideous and is something right at home with Andre.
Ellie Finds Religion
The MacArthurs have decided that Ellie needs to get in touch with her religious side. The problem is that instead of attending mass while Ellie is at Sunday school, the MacArthurs are treating it like daycare and heading home to watch football. Kevin begins to feel guilty while playing pickup basketball with the priest. The priest plays a particularly aggressive style of basketball, and Kevin refuses to get physical back with him. After his teammates yell at him the entire episode, Kevin finally gets aggressive and elbows the priest on a rebound. Immediately feeling guilty, he runs to his bag and hands the priest an icepack. The icepack is actually a frozen bag of shit that Jenny has been collecting for the doctor. The bag melts on the priest’s face and shit flows out of it. Classic potty humor from “The League.” This was a train wreck that you saw coming from the beginning of the episode when Jenny goes into the doctor. The surprise was that it happened on the priest’s face.
Best One-Liners Of The Episode
• “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be in church while the kids are in Sunday school?” / “I don’t think they check.” / “No, it’s not like it’s a commandment.” – Pete, Jenny, and Kevin discussing the MacArthurs using Sunday school like it’s a daycare
• “Taco Corp is in a state of emergency, the EBDB has been compromised; brute force attack by the Chinese crashed the EBDB and left it vulnerable to hackers breaking in through the back door.” – Taco discussing his recent data leak at the EBDB
• “This never would have happened before Mark from Cuba took over the company. You know what I think? The Chinese are in bed with the Cubans.” / “Sounds like we are on the verge of a Mark Cuban Missile Crisis.” – Taco and Jenny discussing Taco’s data leak
• “It’s like it’s too easy. We could literally sit here all day long and make jokes about how Andre is finally getting some…” / “No, no, no, no, no, we gotta challenge ourselves Pete.” / “Come on, there’s so much low-hanging pussy fruit.” – Pete, Kevin, and Taco discussing the fact Andre got a cat named M’Lady
• “Andre finally gets some pussy and it’s dirty and hairy from the street.” – Pete discussing Andre’s rescued cat
• “In my experience, people who use the word ‘classy’ are rarely ever classy.” – Kevin discussing Pete’s new girlfriend using French words because it makes her classy
• “If this works out as good as I think it will, you might have a centerfold of me playing with M’Lady on your front lawn.” – Andre talking about his photo shoot with his cat
• “You know how huge Andre’s presence is on Yelp.” / “Yeah, he gave me a two-star review of PuberCuts; it almost killed me.” – Pete and Taco discussing Andre’s Yelp presence
• “Holy Trinity, boom shaka laka.” – Ellie’s priest after draining a three-pointer
• “I preach hard, I play hard.” – Ellie’s priest describing his basketball game
1. (2) Russell – No word from Russell this week, but he moves into the first spot by virtue of Taco dropping.
2. (3) Pete – Pete continues to just slay hot chick after hot chick. It’s an unprecedented run that we can only hope is being mirrored by his fantasy team.
3. (1) Taco – Taco almost had a disaster of a week with the EBDB getting hacked, but he was able to recover the hard drives and all is well. However, by being the first one to make a pussy joke, he loses his best running back.
4. (4) Jenny – Shitty week for Jenny (pun intended). Between Ellie consistently calling her a fornicator and her bags of shit being used as ice packs, this week was a tough one.
5. (6) Ruxin – No word from Ruxin this week, but he moves up a spot due to Andre continuing to be Andre. Nick Kroll’s schedule is starting to become an annoyance. Ruxin didn’t even appear via Skype this episode. It’s a real shame, as he’s one of the funniest characters on the show.
6. (5) Andre – The cat stuff and another horrible outfit move Andre down a spot. I know he had help in drafting his team early in the season, but I don’t see the writers giving him the Shiva this year.
7. (7) Kevin – Kevin can’t catch a break. At least this week it wasn’t about his low T situation. He got beat up by a priest, though, and used a frozen bag of shit as an ice pack. Doesn’t get much worse than that.
Prediction to win the Shiva: Taco
Prediction to win the Sacko: Kevin.