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Break Room Snacks That Will Ruin Your Afternoon

Summer 2010 124

At least thrice weekly, some generous asshole you work with selfishly brings in snacks to the break room. When a coworker carries in a bevy of breakfast food or desserts, what he’s really doing is totally altering the course of your day. What was once your typical Tuesday filled with boredom and anxiety is now one of depression and self-loathing with just a slow saunter to the break room. Here’s how each snack specifically ruins your day.

Birthday Cake

There are 24 people in this office. There are 133 birthday celebrations a year in this office. Logic and reasoning forces the obvious question: is everyone’s favorite cake flavor vanilla? 133 cakes and not a single Fudgie the Whale. I heard this is how they celebrate birthdays in Russia. You’re so sick of vanilla cake that it no longer tastes like celebration. It tastes like a gray cubicle wall. You have to eat it, though, because if not, Cheryl will be livid you didn’t partake in her fourteenth extravaganza for her 53rd birthday. Now you’ll spend the remainder of your day wondering if this is how you’ll spend your 67th birthday. You’ll probably still be paying off student loans until then, too.

Bagels

This morning you ate like a king. You woke up early, scrambled a few eggs, flipped a couple flapjacks, and even threw a little maple syrup in your hair. What do you think keeps it up, slick? But today–today of all days–that kind, bighearted wench of an HR rep, Wendy, decided to carry in three baker’s dozens and strawberry cream cheese. You were going to go to the gym at lunch, too, but now you’re so overstuffed you can’t even get out of your desk chair to walk to the printer. When you get home tonight, you’re going to now be forced to watch Netflix in bed rather than from the couch, because it’s closer to the bathroom, where you’ll look into the mirror and see Jabba the Hut.

Chocolates And Assorted Candy

It’s not Valentine’s Day, Denise. Why are you being such a nice bitch by bringing in an assorted array of expensive chocolates? Are you aware of how many people in the office have diabetes? You know I can’t stop myself once I start eating sugary food–especially candy. Then, I’m going to sugar crash pretty hard. So hard, I’ll probably sleep it off all afternoon, thus causing me to stay up all night. Thanks for ruining my sleep cycle with your kindness, Denise.

Homemade Cookies

I’m a baked goods fiend. Sometimes I consider getting a girlfriend exclusively for the steady stream of brownies, but that sounds illegal. Terry over in the corner cubicle, however, feels the need to show off his wife’s insanely awesome double fudge, peanut butter chip, M&M, glazed cookies and rub them right in your face. This provides the unnecessary reminder that you will cook your dinner in a microwave for the foreseeable future. Meanwhile, this thoughtful chode gets to go home to a five course meal.

Pizza

God bless you, sir. I want to take your daughter out for a seafood dinner, marry her, and treat her right. I want you to know that’s how much I love you. Well, until this pie is gone, because you only bought one for the whole office. It’s math, Bob. You’re an accountant. Eight slices for 24 people? Are you filming a reality show called “The Hunger Games: Office Edition”? I hate you so much, Bob. You ruined my whole week.

Vegetable Tray

Fuck you.

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