Despite what every millennial site on the internet will tell you, there truly is no cure for a hangover. Only small occurrences that cause you to forget that you hate your life because of the decisions you made all weekend. Sometimes it’s pho, sometimes it’s a quarter-life crisis, and sometimes it’s a bagel smothered in cream cheese that will make you choke and think you can actually die from a hangover.
Other times? It’s retail therapy.
If I had it my way, my hangovers would look exactly like the “I Need A Girl Pt. 2” video by P. Diddy ft. Ginuwine, Loon, and Mario Winans. Luxurious, expensive, upscale – the whole works. Because when the hair of the dog seems too daunting and I’ve got nothing else to live for, the only thing that’ll clear my head is getting as bougie as possible.
You know, within reason.
The only reason I actually own a pair of Persols is because of Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch and Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley. And because money isn’t an option when the sun is bright and you spent the night before downing Dark and Stormies. I’d venture to guess that 100% of my sunglasses were purchased after a night where I drank enough to at least kind of hate myself the next morning.
Look good, feel good, play good. Or at least feel less hungover.
Lobster. Buttery, boiled lobster. Not to get all Bubba-from-Forrest–Gump on you, but there are legitimately a million ways you can prepare lobster that will soothe your hangover.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had lobster and I wasn’t just brutally hungover. Lobster is for celebratory times. Birthdays, New Year’s, Labor Day, 4th of July, casual white-people lobster bakes, or what have you. The only time I’m not hungover during those events? The day before those events actually occur.
If there’s one way to cure a hangover, it’s by eating shellfish at $14.99/lb while slurping down a couple gin and tonics out of a highball.
Whether you’re at a cocktail party or crushing some mid-morning mimos, going on a champagne campaign never hurt anyone. (Disclaimer: That is the the most false thing I’ve ever said).
The two best buzzes you can catch? Sake (reserved for once a quarter) and champagne. You’re alert, your stomach isn’t overflowing with foam, and you’re normally in a pretty high-octane situation when you’re ingesting both. Get that blood flowing a little bit? Hangover gone.
Someone once looked at my Instagram account and said, “You love grass.” Well yeah, I do love grass. It’s the safe haven for anyone who thinks they’re possibly dying from alcohol poisoning. The smell, the feel – it’s mother nature’s water bed. That comparison doesn’t totally make sense, but I know you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
Toss the pigskin? Play a little croquet? Maybe some badminton tickles your fancy. Beer-in-hand soccer? Yeah, I call team captain.
Lawn games can only go so far, though. Sometimes you have to bring in refreshing reinforcements –
Someone say “aquatic games?” No? Well, I just did because aquatic games are the best kind of games.
Pool basketball. Diving contests. Cannonballs. Wabobas. No matter what you do or how you do it, aquatic games kill some Sunday Scaries, especially around a pool.
In life, there are only three places you can drink and time doesn’t exist: airports, golf courses, and swimming pools. If that isn’t a trifecta you want in on, I don’t want to nurse my hangovers with you.
Overly-Expensive Body Lotion
The best way to clean a messy apartment is by wiping down the coffee table. The best way to make yourself smell better after a day of sweating out alcohol is by rubbing in some body lotion that’s out of your price range. I once made a bottle of Acqua di Parma last about three years because I was so damn dedicated to the hungover lotion game. If your body is going to feel like you just got brought down in a rugby scrum, you might as well smell good while getting hit.
What do porches stand for? Grilling, tanning, and chilling the most.
A whitewashed porch in the middle of summer can make anyone feel like there isn’t a care in the world. Your vantage point over the lawn, swimming pool, or lake while you toss some lobster tails on the grill is an unparalleled safe haven for anyone wondering if they might have a bit of an alcohol problem or if they just took a mid-summer bender too far.
I’ll never fully come to grips with the fact that people think that BLTs are somehow better than Club Sandwiches. They’re essentially the same thing, but one has cold stacked turkey on it. Win-win situation.
“Club sandwiches aren’t really even that bougie though,” you might tell yourself until you realize that the places that make the best clubs are golf courses, yacht clubs, and any restaurant that has “applewood smoked bacon” instead of just “regular bacon.”
I mean, they’re at least better than that bagel with cream cheese. .