Let me preface this with a fun little tidbit about myself: I’m not a big chicken wing guy. I think it’s the fact that chicken wings are so hit and miss. Pretty much every dive bar in America will guarantee their patrons that their wings are the best in the world. And all of my friends have their own go-to wing joint that they’ll defend to the death. Wings are a polarizing topic when you really think about it. Buffalo or BBQ? Flats or drumettes? Ranch or bleu cheese?
Yeah, if I’m at a fine dining establishment where the specialty is wings, (read: Hooters) I’ll order the goddamn wings. But I don’t actively seek wings out on a menu when I’m looking it over. I’m all about eating free range bird, but when it’s in wing form people tend to take a hard line stance either in support of boneless wings or for their white trash cousin bone-in wings. There is no love lost between the folks in the bone-in camp and the more refined crowd of boneless loyalists. The bone-in wing guy tends to be the prototypical alpha-male. He’ll tell you that “boneless wings are for pussies” and “my girlfriend eats boneless wings on her period.” These guys will tell you that boneless wings are just chicken nuggets and that you’re an adult. Adults eat bone-in, right? Wrong. I get that boneless wings are a break from the norm, just a little somethin’ to break the monotony. But I’m here to tell you that boneless chicken wings are categorically better. Boneless wings are the future. Why waste your time with bits of bone and chicken fat when you can keep your hands clean? I even ran a straw poll on Twitter that helps further my case.
Wing of choice?
— John Duda (@dudaronomy) June 9, 2016
Here’s the ant hill that bone-in supporters are going to die on. Bone-in wings are always going to be a little less pricey than boneless wings. That’s going to be the case at any establishment. This is obvious because one gets more meat when they order boneless wings. If you can’t pony up an extra two bucks to get boneless wings and, in turn, prevent sauce from getting all over your face because you ordered bone-in, you shouldn’t be eating out in the first place.
Bone-in wings can be meaty. But the process of eating a bone-in wing is laborious compared to the relatively streamlined boneless wing. When one has bone-in, he/she must eat around the bone. They have to differentiate between what is fat left on the bone and what is chicken. With boneless wings, there is nothing for the eater to do other than stab it with a fork before dousing said wing in ranch dressing or bleu cheese.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness. There is nothing – and I mean nothing – more irritating to me than when something on my person is dirty. My hands? I stay strapped with Purell because 1. Every surface is disgusting to me by default and 2. It’s a good opener with girls at the bar if I whip out my travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer. I told you on the podcast (Touching Base) that I was an acquired taste. If you can’t handle me at the bar using Purell, you’re probably not going to like me.
With bone-in wings, your face, your hands, and probably the shirt on your back are all going to have to get a good rinsing. In the wing world, you have what are called “flats.” These are the wings that made me hop on the hate train and become a devout member of the boneless wing cult. As I mentioned before, there are two types of bone-in wings-flats and drumettes. Flats are incredibly difficult to eat. Removing meat from a flat is an arduous process that requires the use of a fork and your bare hands (which is obviously a huge red flag for me).
Stop living in the stone age. Next time you’re deciding what kind of wings you want, go boneless. It’ll change your life, I promise..
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